tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1138030968212366602024-03-13T22:49:43.149-04:00The House of Doo"It's when you cry just a little, but laugh in the middle, that you've made it." -Jason MrazThe House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.comBlogger130125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-45254277671508183572019-07-09T15:27:00.002-04:002019-07-09T15:27:42.402-04:00China - One Year Later.We are one week shy of our first annual Miles Day! Can you guys believe it has been an entire year since we first met Miles? I absolutely cannot believe that. This has been the hardest year of my life. I have said that before but boy, I was wrong. This has been a doozie.<br />
<br />
This time last year, I had a few people say they couldn't wait to read my blog about our time in China. I couldn't wait to write it - until I lived China. It may sound dramatic but I know without a doubt that I have PTSD from our time there. First of all, I was in the process of changing my anxiety meds and it just so happened that I wasn't on any meds during our time in China. That was a HORRIBLE mistake. I literally couldn't function. I cried all day every day and night. I wasn't sleeping or eating. <br />
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We arrived in China on a Saturday after about 30 hours of travel (and no sleep for me) and didn't meet Miles until Monday afternoon. My anxiety would have been high even with meds but I was a blubbering mess by Monday. There's supposed to be somewhat of a "show" when presenting you with your new child. You wait in a room while they bring them in and introduce them to you. We didn't get that as there was a mix-up at the Civil Affairs office. <br />
<br />
We saw Miles walking down the sidewalk with a nanny from his orphanage. She practically threw him at us in the lobby. He was covered in his own vomit and wearing a diaper. We were told his special need was Strabismus (crossed eyes). He very obviously had Cerebral Palsy. You sign some papers and they send you on your way. <br />
<br />
This is where everything gets blurry. These days were awful. Miles bit, kicked, screamed, slapped, and had very obvious seizures. He self-harmed. He bit Colt and made him bleed. He was mean and angry and so was I. I shut down. <br />
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I called my dad, bawling, every day and told him that I could not do it. I wasn't prepared for these kinds of needs. I called my mom too, but she told me what I wanted to hear and my dad told me what I needed to hear. I wanted them to say I could just come home and I didn't have to do this. My dad wouldn't say that. He assured me that God lead us to Miles for a reason and that we could do this. Ryan never wavered - we were doing it. <br />
<br />
I just wanted out. I grieved for weeeeeeeks over the life we had before Miles. It wasn't an easy, perfect life - I mean, Colt has Autism and some other issues. These things are hard. However, this was a whole new level of HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE and OUT.OF.MY.COMFORT.ZONE. <br />
<br />
Anyway, China was the longest two weeks of my life. Somehow, by the grace of God, we survived. I survived. However, as we come up on the one year anniversary, these feelings are slipping back into my heart. I am anxious and tired and literally sick. I am absolutely dreading seeing these Facebook Memories and feeling these feelings again. <br />
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At the same time, looking at Miles now - I can't imagine not going through with his adoption. He is the most challenging child I have ever encountered, but he's so deserving of love and a family and doctors and help. I am so thankful God chose us to be His hands and feet for Miles, and so thankful that He didn't let anyone talk us out of it. <br />
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Sometimes I still feel a bit sad over the life we had before - where things just weren't so hard, especially for Colt. Then I see Colt and Miles together giggling over a video, or see Colt protectively crying over something Miles has to endure at the hospital, or hear Miles say, "I love you, GuhGuh (big brother)," and I just can't help but weep over what we could have missed, what we could have stolen from Colt. <br />
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I know this is all messy and probably not very well written but it's been on my heart. God never says that things will be easy. He just promises that we will never walk alone and I can honestly say that I have felt Him nearer through this year than I ever have before. You just have to be willing to say 'Yes!' when you don't think you are strong enough. God will enable you. He will give you what you need for the journey on which He places you.<!--/data/user/0/com.samsung.android.app.notes/files/clipdata/clipdata_190709_151940_608.sdoc--><br />
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The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-15070554875758235962019-04-29T15:46:00.001-04:002019-04-29T16:28:16.111-04:00The Special Isolation of Special Needs <p dir="ltr">My blog has been ignored for a long time. There is still so much I need to write about Miles and his adoption. Today is just not that day. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I want to talk about the journey of being a special needs mom. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have been a special needs mom for 8 1/2 years, so this is not a new thing that came with Miles. I have been taking a child to therapies, seeing specialists, and attending IEP meetings for a long time. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Some days, I just feel like I have this all in the bag. I can do it and I don't need help. Today started that way. I got Colt to school, took Miles to work with me, and called customers for almost an hour with Miles in my lap. Then I took him to his neurologist, where I discussed his seizures and brain surgery and multitude of medications like a veteran, then held this thrashing 56 pound 7 year old in my lap for blood draws. We then went to lunch and did some shopping with him on my hip because he just can't walk that much and I left his wheelchair in the car. (See? Rookie mistake.) Afterwards, we picked up big brother from school and I came home and unloaded the week's groceries. It has been a very busy but productive day. </p>
<p dir="ltr">AND THEN. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Then I got on Facebook. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because it connects me to people and in a strange way, I feel like I am not so alone. Then I hate it because I see pictures of people out DOING THINGS and GOING PLACES. Together. Out with friends. Weekend trips. Out on dates. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It hits me like a ton of bricks just how isolating this special needs life really is. When Colt was younger, I remember a group of moms and kids from church getting together on Wednesdays to play. We could never go because it was always during Colt's speech/PT/OT sessions. Eventually the invites stopped. Same now, five years later. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Very, very few birthday party invitations come. As a matter of fact, it's been about a year and a half since Colt has been invited to a birthday party. I hate that for him so badly. If he has noticed, he hasn't said anything but I know he will notice one day. At the same time, birthday parties can be very overwhelming for him. It's so hard. To not be invited and get his feelings hurt or be invited, go, and get absolutely overwhelmed? What's worse? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I know this is a mess of a blog, but life is so hard right now. There are lots of tears. I am exhausted. Miles asks the very same questions no less than fifty times a day. He is closer to my side than my own shadow at all times. Colt cannot be left alone for even a second because he's so impulsive and he might spray your garage with cans of spray paint or lock your doors so you have to have someone remove the doorknob for you, or dig holes into the leather of your car doors. (Yes, those things really happened.) </p>
<p dir="ltr">Life is hard for all parents, I know. However, it's different for special needs parents. It's not just a season. It most likely won't be over in a few years. It's a lifetime. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Check on your friends with kids of different abilities. They still want to be invited, even if they can't go. </p>
The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-20611244380588756192018-07-14T00:23:00.001-04:002018-07-14T00:23:46.509-04:00<p dir="ltr">So we are somewhere over the Arctic Ocean on our way to China. We are 5 hours into a 13 hour journey to meet our newest son, Miles Chen Da. </p>
<p dir="ltr">And I am in full-on meltdown mode. Straight up PANIC, y'all. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am exhausted, physically and emotionally and the tears just need to come out.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Let me set this up - Colt is flipping through the Delta magazine and mentions a Domino's ad - his favorite pizza. The reality of this situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Our little life - just the three of us - will never be the same. I suddenly want to be at home, eating pizza without a worry in the world. Y'all, it feels like regret. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I can't believe I just admitted that. So I do the only thing that I know to do. I pray. </p>
<p dir="ltr">"God. Come quickly. Meet me here in this ugly place. I know you called me to this - now you gotta get me through it." </p>
<p dir="ltr">I already miss my comfort zone and I have two more weeks (plus forever) of this. So anyway, as I am praying/begging God for help, I remember that my dear friend and fellow adoptive mama gave me a card and a gift for this very moment. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I dig it out of my carry-on and open the card first. The threatening tears burst out like a dam broke loose. Inside she had written exactly what I needed to hear. God knew. </p>
<p dir="ltr">After I cried all the tears (for that moment anyway), I got a good giggle over a funny book about doing hard things. </p>
<p dir="ltr">At this point, Colt has dug into some Dove chocolates. Inside the very first wrapper it says this, "Home is where Mom is." </p>
<p dir="ltr">Miles doesn't have a home because Miles doesn't have a Mom. In less than 3 days, that changes forever. That is exciting, yes. It is also terrifying and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous or just flat out scared. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The last 2 1/2 years have been so long and like a pipe dream, but here it is. It's time for it to become reality and that is HARD and SCARY and EMOTIONAL and BEAUTIFUL. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Please pray for our family, especially Miles and Colt. Colt has not wavered for a second during all of this. He is ready and excited and fine. I pray he stays that way but I just don't know. Miles is about to get his world rocked. It will be terrifying for him. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I want to be honest so that people can know exactly how to pray for us. I need courage, strength, and wisdom and I need it now. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I feel better already. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Today, I am thankful for a God that hears my prayers and helps me do hard things. I am also thankful for friends that have gone before me and that help to carry me when I freeze up. </p>
The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-33464632670556780442018-07-07T15:47:00.001-04:002018-07-07T16:23:21.917-04:00Dear Younger Me<p dir="ltr">I have felt the need to share this for a while but just haven't gotten around to writing it. Bear with me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">As a child, I "got saved" at a VBS. I was baptized but honestly I know in my heart that I had no idea what I was doing. It didn't occur to me until I was older that I probably wasn't really a Christian. Around the age of 13 or 14 (sad I don't remember) I realized that I genuinely wanted to be a Christian and that I needed to properly ask the Lord to change my heart. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I was a good kid in high school. I stayed out of trouble and generally did what I was supposed to do. College was a different story. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of to this day. Finally, I grew up, got married, and changed my ways. Mostly.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Now, I believe all of this time that I genuinely was a Christian - I just lost my way a bit.</p>
<p dir="ltr">In 2015, I got pregnant with Collins after genuinely thinking that Colt was going to have to be an only child. Then we lost her that October. I can honestly say that the next year was the hardest time of my life. I was so angry. Anxiety wrecked my life. I was devastated by someone I depended on and literally hated anything and everything. I was miserable and miserable to be around. </p>
<p dir="ltr">During this time, I was invited to be in a women's discipleship group. I flat out DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. I don't trust other women very easily. Other than family, I can count about 4 that I trust. I came up with excuse after excuse, but finally gave in and agreed. </p>
<p dir="ltr">This discipleship group required lots of Bible reading and lots of journaling and was going to span over the course of a year. Somewhere along month three, I started feeling the walls come down. God began to speak to me through His Word. During this time, our adoption began to move forward and we decided to travel to Uganda as a family. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Most of you know, Uganda ROCKED MY WORLD. It shattered my HEART, but it restored my soul. It gave me purpose to my life. I felt God in a way I never had before. I wanted to make Him proud, to share Him, to give hope to others too. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I know without a doubt that God took my brokenness and mended it all back together in a much better way. He made beauty from ashes. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am not perfect. I struggle more than I care to admit. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and never feeling like I am enough. I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, kind enough, patient enough. I am not a great friend. I am selfish. I am angry at the past. Gosh, I am a mess. </p>
<p dir="ltr">But I have been redeemed. <br>
I am chosen by the Creator of the Universe. <br>
I am a daughter of the One True King. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have placed my past, my failures, my resentment at the foot of the cross. It is not mine to carry. That battle has already been won. And that feels GOOD.</p>
<p dir="ltr">This song gets me every time. Read these words. Take them to heart. ❤</p>
<p dir="ltr">"Dear younger me<br>
It’s not your fault<br>
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross<br>
Dear younger me</p>
<p dir="ltr">You are holy<br>
You are righteous<br>
You are one of the redeemed<br>
Set apart a brand new heart<br>
You are free indeed</p>
<p dir="ltr">Every mountain every valley<br>
Through each heartache you will see<br>
Every moment brings you closer<br>
To who you were meant to be<br>
Dear younger me, dear younger me"<br>
-MercyMe</p>
The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-28770936259595190472018-06-02T21:03:00.001-04:002018-06-02T21:03:49.944-04:00Bare. <p dir="ltr">I haven't blogged in a long time. This one probably won't be much to read but it's more for me anyway. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Most of you know, I had to have a psychological evaluation done by a psychologist for our adoption. However, no one knows that I have continued to see him on my own. A few of you know some of the parts of my childhood <u>story</u>, but there was so much hurt growing up. I saw and lived more than any child should (though I know there are much worse stories) but it isn't something I share with others. I have finally started to deal with it with this psychologist. I hate it. It's hard. It's necessary. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Especially if I am going to be parenting a child of trauma. I need to deal with mine so I can help him deal with his. So I am on this awful but crucial journey. While seeing this psychologist, we have decided it best to change my depression and anxiety medicine. I have taken Lexapro off and on for years, but this time I have been on a high dose for 2 1/2 years. I have gained 60 pounds in those 2 1/2 years. I sleep 12+ hours a night and nap 2-3 hours a day. It was debilitating. I couldn't lose weight, even when I desperately tried and I barely had enough energy to get ready every morning. I have had enough.</p>
<p dir="ltr">So my psychologist sent me to a doctor to help me safely switch my medication to a better fit for me. The last two weeks I have weaned off of my Lexapro and started Wellbutrin XL. The last 4 days have been a living hell. My anxiety is totally uncontrolled, my blood pressure is sky high (though better when I took it today), and the slightest thing makes me RAGING mad. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Last night I stopped to fill my car up with gas. Every 5-6 seconds, the gas pump would shut off even though I was holding the handle in my hand. I lost my mind over it and had to leave. I knew it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't see straight it made me si angry. I had been at dinner with friends before this and literally could not wait to go home, even though these are friends I adore. Same with family today. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Have you ever had TRUE anxiety? I am not talking about nervousness or worrying about something out of your control. I am talking about debilitating, life-altering anxiety. When it hits me, I start to tremble. It gets hard to breathe. It feels like I am underwater trying to suck oxygen from a balloon that is quickly running out of air and I have to fight to get more in my lungs before there is no more - I am drowning and each breath is a struggle. I cry, sometimes hysterically. Sometimes I throw up. </p>
<p dir="ltr">It had been much more controlled but this switch has caused it to come back in epic proportions. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I spoke to a dear friend on Wednesday during the beginning of an anxiety attack. She gets it - she has been there. She told me that I cannot hide away, like she did. I need to be honest, up front, and share with others to try to help people understand me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So here I am, putting my faults out there for everyone to judge. Most of you know me and you know I am pretty open about most things, but I can tell you that attempting to work through childhood traumas, changing meds, and the stress of adopting a child who will need a strong Mama are taking a serious toll on me and it is HARD to share it. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So just know that if I am short with you, don't want to go out, or don't talk much, it isn't personal. I am not angry with you. I am just in a deep dark hole right now and hopefully I can be back soon. I can't sleep, I am obsessively cleaning things, I am angry and irritable, and I can't even nap. It honestly makes me feel like I might explode. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I would appreciate your prayers and your patience. I promise we can be friends again soon. </p>
The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-51736022391144311272017-07-19T13:41:00.001-04:002017-07-19T13:41:09.727-04:00Touching Base.It has been a while since I have last posted about our adoption. Things are moving along, VERY slowly. We finished our home study a couple of weeks ago and are waiting on the final written report. For some reason it is taking a bit longer than we were told, but it is what it is.<br />
<br />
At our final home study, we were given a lot of information that I have been dwelling on for a while now. Our social worker told us about a time when she visited an orphanage in China. She was in a room FULL of cribs holding babies - literally a hundred or more. Can you imagine how chaotic that would be? A room full of screaming babies? Except it wasn't. IT WAS SILENT. It wasn't some crazy miracle where they were all sleeping simultaneously - they were awake! I can't imagine that. You know why they were silent? Because they had learned that when they cried, no one came to them. If they were hungry, dirty, sick, bored, lonely, scared, tired - no one came to care for them when they needed something. So eventually they learned to just keep quiet. Getting Miles to verbalize what he wants and needs is going to be a huge struggle. <br />
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Our social worker also told us to expect Miles to be very angry with us for taking him away from the orphanage. This cold place is his home. In my mind, a child would hope to be adopted into a family! This is rarely the case. These children don't know any differently. They don't know they don't have a family because they don't know what a family is! She says Miles will likely not trust us for a long time. He will most likely bond with Colt quickly because he's used to children and not adults. She says Colt will have a HUGE part in this adoption - he will be the one teaching Miles that he can trust us as his parents.<br />
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I would be lying if I said this didn't bother me. It is weighing heavy on my heart. I am TERRIFIED. I don't know why God chose this path for us, I am scared of it, but I am ready for it too. It will be a huge challenge but I know that He doesn't always call the equipped. He equips the called. God will take care of it, but I do still appreciate your prayers for us. For Colt and for Miles. I pray they do bond quickly. I also pray that Ryan and I have the heart, the strength, the grace, and the love for this task. It seems so very big. The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-33086072098920352017-06-06T16:51:00.000-04:002017-06-06T16:51:09.504-04:00Yesterday Colt had an appointment with his pediatric ophthalmologist. We go see him every 3-6 months, depending on how Colt's eyes are doing. We have been noticing his eyes "wandering" again for about a year or more and the doctor has been monitoring it closely. He has also started doing the weird head positioning when he's trying to focus. Anyway, yesterday I took some pictures in that I have taken of Colt where his eyes were obviously off. Dr. Peterson decided he would change the prescription in his glasses to try to fix the issue but because it's happening when the glasses are on and off, he isn't sure it will work. We may be looking at a fourth eye surgery in our future, but we do have some time to wait and see. Dr. Peterson also wasn't happy with the way his eyes were switching from being turned in to turned out. He says this points back to the neurological issue Colt has had since birth.<br />
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If you have followed Colt's journey for a while, you may remember when he was two years old, we were told that Colt had brain damage or mild cerebral palsy due to a suspected stroke in-utero. Then some time around four years old, we were told that the MRI showed that the brain had basically "healed itself" and that the damage was gone. I posted about that some, but I never posted about how I truly felt. I felt like I <i>should</i> have been elated!<br />
<br />
BUT I WASN'T.<br />
<br />
I was devastated. You know why? Because all the symptoms of the brain damage were still there. The developmental delay. The eye issues. The speech issues. The right side body weakness. The physical awkwardness. And on and on. When we found out about he brain damage, we had an answer as to why Colt had all these issues. Well when they took that answer away, we were left with the questions again.<br />
<br />
<i>If that's not what is causing it, then what is?</i><br />
<br />
<i> </i>Then yesterday, when Dr. Peterson said the words "neurological issue" all of those feelings came rushing back. Granted, now we have some other diagnoses - Autism, ADHD, SPD, but those don't explain his eyes not responding to his brain and the other physical issues. I am not sure we will ever really understand the puzzle that is Colt, but I am trying.<br />
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I just needed to get that out. I hated thinking that I should feel one way as a parent that receives good news, but I didn't feel that way at all. Now those words are being tossed around again and the feelings are back.<br />
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Anyway, here's one of the super cute pictures of my boy and his special eyes. 💓<br />
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-37519094438011158572017-03-02T11:06:00.002-05:002017-03-02T11:06:57.373-05:00Convicted.Y'all. I woke up this morning feeling unbelievably CONVICTED. GUILTY. ASHAMED.<br />
<br />
Mission trips will do that to you. They change you. It's a good thing.<br />
<br />
This morning, as I was praying, I realized that I was thanking God for all of these THINGS - these things that I have. "Thank you for my home, for heat, for a dry place to be protected from the rain, a warm bed, warm clothes, a safe car, hot coffee, clean water, clean clothes..." As I was thanking God for all of those THINGS, I felt like I had been punched in the gut. Everything I was thanking Him for were things that so many don't have.<br />
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The rainy season is beginning in Uganda. In the Katanga slum, rain floods their tiny shacks. Along with the rain washing into their homes is trash...and raw sewage. I don't have to stand all night because I don't have a dry, clean place to rest my head. I don't have to poop (sorry) in a bag and dump it outside in a "creek". I don't have to prostitute myself to be able to feed my son. But why not? Why not me? <br />
<br />
As most of you know, my husband and some of my dearest friends and church family just got back from Uganda on Saturday. A friend of mine was walking through Katanga when a lady handed my friend a brand new baby. "Take her", she said. This mother was trying to give her baby away because she knew she could not feed the baby. She didn't want that baby to grow up in a place like Katanga. Can you imagine having to make that choice? Some other friends were offered children too. They wanted to sell their children to the "rich Americans" to be able to survive.<br />
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Y'all, we are SO very fortunate. SO FORTUNATE. I hate when people say, "I am so blessed" because they have so many things and homes and cars, etc. It's true, you ARE blessed but so are the people in Uganda and all the other places in the world. God blesses us all, we just happen to have been born in a country that has much more opportunity than they do. It could have been me growing up in Katanga. It could have been you. Your children. Think about that for a while. Why wasn't it me??<br />
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My heart is absolutely broken for those people. I cannot wait to go back. I want to love them. I want to tell them about Jesus and how much hope He can give. I want to help educate the young girls so maybe, just maybe they can find jobs and not have to resort to prostitution. Maybe help keep them from HIV and help their future babies from being born with HIV. I am just broken for them.<br />
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I am thankful to have seen the filth. Smelled it. Lived it for a few hours. Now I can't just pretend like I haven't seen it. I can't go back to living like everything is fine in the world. I have to do something. Once you see it, you HAVE TO DO SOMETHING. Please pray for me, Ryan, and Colt as we pray for guidance and direction in this situation. We have to do something because... <br />
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It could have been me, God. Why wasn't it me??<br />
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-10257394173827263762017-01-09T14:01:00.001-05:002017-01-09T14:01:33.094-05:00HOPE. I think it is time for an adoption update. For some reason, I have really been struggling with adopting from Haiti. The wait time for Haiti is approximately 5-6 years right now. Too long! After our last home study, we had a lot of "homework" to do. Ryan did his share fairly quickly but I just couldn't get mine done. I had no real reason other than I had lost my fire for it. I was seriously dragging my feet.<br />
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Soon after, the opportunity to travel to Uganda came up. I kept telling Ryan that I knew something was going to happen in Uganda and I knew in my heart that was what I had been waiting for. When this journey began, my heart was in Uganda. Now that I have been there, I know it will always be there.<br />
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We were told my our agency that Uganda is not adopting to Americans right now. After talking with friends in Uganda, we decided to look into their adoption agency. (They have 5 adopted kids!) Well, their agency has access to "exceptions" and you have to apply for exceptions, which allows for the Ugandan children to be adopted to Americans.<br />
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This requires us to change agencies, but will allow us to follow our hearts. So... we have changed agencies, applied for their program, and been VERY TENATIVELY MATCHED WITH A LITTLE BOY. He is 6 years old, just like Colt, and we are smitten. We have his file, he is healthy, adorable (!), and very sweet according to the orphanage workers. This is still early in the process but I am sharing because I covet your prayers.<br />
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Please pray with and for us! God has big plans for us in Uganda, no doubt. ❤<br />
<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-31700488106353699762016-12-01T11:44:00.000-05:002016-12-01T11:44:09.982-05:00It's Uganda month! December is here! That means one thing - IT'S ALMOST TIME TO GO TO UGANDA!<br />
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We leave in 18 days. I cannot believe it. It still feels like a dream to me.<br />
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I have ALWAYS wanted to go to Africa, though what I always imagined is a lot different than this reality. I imagined safaris and beautiful animals. While we may see some of these beautiful animals, it will be in a very different way. No safaris. Just real African life.<br />
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Ryan, Colt, and I will leave on December 19th from Atlanta. We will then fly to Amsterdam, then on to Entebbe, Uganda. We will not get to Entebbe until 10 p.m. local time on December 20th. There will be many hours spent traveling, just the three of us. No guide. No help. I ask that you pray for us, especially Colt. This will be a brand new adventure and I worry about him handling it well.<br />
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Once we get to Uganda, we will travel from Entebbe to Kampala - the capital city of Uganda. This is where our work will begin. We will be working with an American family and their ministry called <a href="http://www.benjaminhouse.net/">Benjamin House</a>.<br />
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You probably already know, but the orphan situation in Uganda is dire. There are SO many orphans. Many are orphans because they lost their parents to death, but many are orphans by abandonment. It's a vicious cycle - orphans are growing up not knowing a family, then becoming pregnant themselves and becoming parents, but because they were raised in orphanages or institutions, they don't know what it means to be a parent. They eventually abandon their children simply because they don't know how to be a mom or dad. Or maybe they can't afford to keep them so they give them up to an institution, hoping they'll get better care there. It's an ugly cycle.<br />
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Benjamin House is working to break the cycle. They are not an orphanage, they are a family restoration ministry. They are working to teach these people about love and about families. They're teaching them how to be part of a family and what a Godly family looks like. They're trying to get to the actual root of the problem and trying to solve it - one person at a time.<br />
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Please take a few minutes and watch this video. This is where we are going. <br />
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We will be doing whatever they need us to do, helping/teaching/loving these people. We are NOT going to be bringing home a child - I have had a lot of people think that. I am sorry if I made it seem that way.<br />
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Speaking of the adoption - we are kind of in a holding place. It isn't about adoption, it is more about Haiti. From what we're being told now, to adopt from Haiti will take approximately 5-6 YEARS. That is devastating and we are not wanting to wait that long. We are open to domestic adoption, BUT our agency is very quick to tell us that with domestic adoptions, adoptive parents are MANY and babies are FEW. With international adoption, adoptive parents are FEW but children are MANY. So, we are reassessing our country options, but not abandoning adoption. We want a child and Colt desperately wants a sibling, but I don't think I can wait 6 years to do it.<br />
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Back to Uganda - we will be there through Christmas and return on December 28th. Colt has about 15 blankets to take with him (mentioned in the previous blog post) and I think that's probably all we can carry with us at this point. Thank you to everyone that has donated a blanket! Ryan is going back to Uganda for ten days in February and may be able to take more with him then. Also, I have a feeling this will only be the first of many trips to Benjamin House. I feel a strong calling there.<br />
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Please pray for us as we prepare to travel, pray for our safety and our health (so many diseases! so many shots!), pray for Colt and the culture shock he is going to face, and pray that we can touch people's lives and be a blessing to them. Also pray that God gets all the glory for this trip and it doesn't become about the Doolittles, but about our Father above.<br />
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Thank you!The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-43844589162089223462016-09-15T16:54:00.003-04:002016-09-15T16:54:45.276-04:00Soft heart. Soft blanket. I just wanted to share something we are going to be working on in the coming months. I told the story months ago of how we came to adoption. A man (Bucky Rogers) came to our church to speak on a special place being built in Uganda called <a href="http://benjaminhouse.net/">Benjamin House Ministries</a>. They are NOT an orphanage, rather a place that hopes to rehabilitate families. Did you know that a large percentage of "orphans" are not actually orphans at all? Many times, the children are given up by their parents because the parents either can't afford to feed them or they just don't know how to parent (verb).<br />
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Can you imagine having to choose between keeping your children and possibly watching them starve to death or giving them up to an orphanage where you know they will be fed and have some form of medical care? That's inconceivable to me.<br />
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Anyway, we have fallen in love with BHM and all that they stand for and hope over time, we can help you fall in love, too. Ryan will be traveling to Uganda in February for 10 days with some of our closest friends and I am sure I will have lots of pictures and stories to share then. I want to go so very badly, but at this point in my life as a mother to Colt, I cannot go. So I will live vicariously through them until we can all three go in the future.<br />
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So here is the story.<br />
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Tuesday night, the three of us attended a Benjamin House unveiling banquet. It was wonderful and I was proud of Colt for behaving and listening so intently, as it lasted about 2 1/2 hours. There was a video (I am hoping I can find a link to it!) and Colt was surprisingly mesmerized. Later that night, Ryan and I had kissed him goodnight and as we were about to leave the room, Colt's face just crumpled and he began to cry. He cried over those Ugandan children not having toilets and blankets. He was BROKEN for them. I am so grateful for his precious, sensitive heart. Now, I told him that we would come up with a way to help because as Bucky had said in the video - the task is HUGE, but we just have to START. Just do something. You can't know all of this, see all of this, and do nothing.<br />
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Colt has decided that we will collect blankets for the children in Kampala, Uganda. Not for warmth, but for a comfort item. Every kid needs that. We haven't exactly figured out all of the details, but the goal is to collect blankets and send them over with Ryan and the team when they go in February. If you are interested in helping us - AND COLT! - out with a blanket donation, we would love to speak with you.<br />
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Thank you, friends!<br />
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<a href="http://benjaminhouse.net/this-is-home-documentary/">Here</a> is the documentary. It is only a little over twelve minutes long. WORTH YOUR TIME. <br />
<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-39608170994284691022016-09-07T16:10:00.000-04:002016-09-07T16:10:41.465-04:00Comeback. Please forgive me if this post is choppy. I am a bit rusty.<br />
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If you know me well, you know that I am much better at communicating through writing than with spoken words. I tend to speak before I think things through and this often gets me in trouble. Sometimes I even "post before thinking" and this too gets me in trouble. I have taken a few "Facebook breaks" over the past few months and it's been liberating and constricting at the very same time. It's nice to not feel so connected to something and to be able to pull away. But at the same time, it took away my voice. I can promise you that was a good (but hard!) thing at the time. I had lots of ugly things to say to anyone that would listen.<br />
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I have not blogged since April. I am missing it. Missing my outlet. Missing my (free!) therapy.<br />
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The past year has been the worst year I could have ever imagined. I have felt intense joy and the most intense heartbreak too. I have been put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. Medication to sleep. Therapy. It's hard. I have been drowning. I am still struggling but I am starting to see a light at the end of this horrible tunnel.<br />
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Our family has been tested relentlessly this year and y'all, we failed.<br />
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We FAILED.<br />
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Our family almost didn't make it.<br />
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Our flesh is so weak, but you know what? Our God is so strong. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.<br />
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I take comfort in knowing that we are doing what God intended for us. I know Satan tests us most when we are doing what is right. With that being said, we are still adopting. I still have shirts to give out. I have not forgotten. I have just been fighting to keep my head above water.<br />
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I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a bad friend. I am sorry I haven't been a good example. I have been angry. Sad. Hurt. Hopeless. Anxious.<br />
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But I am coming back, hopefully for good and hopefully all of me.<br />
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If you made it through this, thank you. ❤ <br />
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-65120761673033072782016-04-19T09:50:00.000-04:002016-04-19T09:50:31.755-04:00Adoption Process UpdateIt's definitely time for an adoption update!<br />
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We had our first home study this past Friday. It went well but it was absolutely NOTHING like I expected it to be. With the words "home study" I expected them to basically perform a home inspection. The study was three hours long and the last ten minutes were spent touring our house. The rest was spent in deep discussion of our marriage and home life. It was very intense. The very first question the social worker asked was "Ryan, how do you know Jessica loves you?". That's harder to answer than you might think, especially to someone you just met. Once we got over how personal it was, it went very well. Ha!<br />
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We have three more home studies to go. Our next is scheduled for May 11th. Between now and then we have a couple of books to read, autobiographies to write, doctor appointments to schedule, psychologist appointments to schedule, background checks to start, fingerprints to give, and fundraising to continue.<br />
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On the fundraising side, things are moving along! The t-shirt sales helped us a good bit but most has come from friends and family donating! Also, my precious friend Hillary of <a href="http://hmxphoto.com/">HMX Photography</a> donated her time, talent, and money to help us raise money. <u><b>She helped us raise over $1,000!! </b></u>Thank you, sweet Hillary. Also, thank you to everyone that purchased a session with her! You are all amazing and helping us bring home our sweet little one.<br />
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Colt is upset because his little brother or sister will be in the next bedroom over. He wants them in his room! (Or so he thinks) I told him that the child may cry in the middle of the night and wake him up. Colt assured me that he would rub their back and ask if they want to hold his hand. ;) Sweet boy. He is so excited to have a little brother or sister! He is going to be such an amazing big brother. <br />
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Thank you to everyone that has offered support, prayers, and encouragement. We know that we can do this with the help of all that stand with us.<br />
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I'll leave you with this adorable picture that Hillary took of our sweet Colt.<br />
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-25197970978902054352016-02-23T19:18:00.000-05:002016-02-23T19:18:00.153-05:00Overwhelmed. I announced in my last blog that we are adopting a child from Haiti. The past 9 days have been such a whirlwind of activity. We have started our t-shirt sale and my goal was 100 shirts. We are currently sitting at 109 shirts in 6 days! My new goal is 145 because we get a price break at 145, meaning more money per shirt for our fundraiser. I know we will make it.<br />
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My dear friend, Hillary, is an incredible photographer. She is donating two whole days of photo sessions, her precious time to take and edit the photos, and the money she should rightfully keep for herself, and she is donating all of that to our adoption fund. She already has half of the slots filled. Every time I try to tell her how thankful I am, I just can't form the words. There are not enough words.<br />
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We have also gotten monetary donations from friends and strangers. Our adoption will cost us between $35,000 and $40,000 and y'all, that number is DAUNTING. I get overwhelmed by that number.<br />
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Then I look at what we have received thus far. The amount of shirts. The checks. The cash placed in my hand. The giving of talents and time. The sharing of my many, many posts every day. Begging your friends to support us. Your prayers sent up for us. The encouraging people (mostly strangers!) that are placed in my path. When I think of those things, I have no fear. I know God is faithful. He called us to it, He will bring us through it. I am just overcome with emotion. Gratefulness. Love. Joy. Healing. Humility.<br />
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I am humbled. Thank you. ♡The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-61315426198137568382016-02-07T16:22:00.000-05:002016-02-07T16:22:26.812-05:00Our Future as a Family.It has been a few months since I last posted. Almost four months. That was the month we lost our baby girl, Collins. It's been four months of grieving and healing, too. It's hard to see my "pregnancy buddies" being so close to giving birth, but I am excited for them still. If anything, I have come closer to God in the last few months and I am thankful for that.<br />
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A couple of months ago, I had coffee (and two and half hours of conversation!) with a former teacher-turned-friend. We talked about many things, but one topic stuck with me. The topic of Collins and her purpose here in this world - on this side of Heaven. This friend urged me to know that Collins' life did indeed have purpose, just like mine and yours too. I have pondered on that and prayed on that for a while now. Jump forward a few weeks and many prayers and we are in Sunday school, where Ryan is teaching. He was talking about questioning God and how he struggled with asking God why He took our baby girl from us. After class was over, we went on into church where we had a guest speaker. He was speaking about his calling to open an orphanage in Uganda, where the orphan rate is unbelievably high. In that moment I knew what Collins' purpose was.<br />
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After church, Ryan asked me if I would ever consider adoption. HA! I had always wanted to adopt - ever since my mission trips to Jamaica back in high school and college. I told him that I had always wanted to, but I never imagined he would be willing to do so. We talked a lot about it and prayed a lot more.<br />
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I know that Collins' purpose in this life was to show me and Ryan that we could indeed love another child as much as we love Colt. I know that she was sent to us to open our hearts and our minds. Also to stir up love and the desire to love another child. I don't believe her purpose was to ever be here on Earth, her job was completed before she ever opened her eyes in this world and she will complete her life in Heaven, free of hurt and pain, praising Jesus until we get there.<br />
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Doors were closed, others were opened, and one day just recently we were SHOVED through a door.<br />
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So I write this to tell you all that Ryan, Colt, and I are adopting. We have been lead to adopt an orphan from Haiti and we are terrified and excited too. We still have a long road, as it's a very long process and a very expensive process. We have lots to do and I ask that you pray with us and for us and our future child. There will be lots of fundraising and I pray that you would help us with that too. Adoption is unfairly expensive. However, we know that this is God's plan for us and He will make a way.<br />
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Thanks for reading!The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-51922200476095893302015-10-22T10:45:00.001-04:002015-10-22T10:45:19.667-04:00SoldierThis song is so appropriate. Thanks, Gavin Degraw. <br />
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<blockquote class="tr_bq">
"Where did all the people go?<br />
They got scared when the lights went low.<br />
I'll get you through it nice and slow,<br />
When the world's spinning out of control.<br />
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Afraid of what they might lose<br />
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.<br />
You could beg them, what's the use?<br />
That's why it's called a moment of truth<br />
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I'll get it if you need it,<br />
I'll search if you don't see it,<br />
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,<br />
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.<br />
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I know you don't believe it,<br />
But I said it and I still mean it,<br />
When you heard what I told you,<br />
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.<br />
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Funny when times get hard,<br />
At the last moment when you're supposed to charge,<br />
Always on the longest yard,<br />
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.<br />
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Hiding here, hiding there,<br />
Find them underneath the stairs,<br />
People hiding everywhere,<br />
Trying to be still like a stone.<br />
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I'll get it if you need it,<br />
I'll search if you can't see it,<br />
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,<br />
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.<br />
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I know you don't believe it,<br />
But I said it and I still mean it,<br />
When you heard what I told you,<br />
When you get worried I'll be your soldier."</blockquote>
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I just wanted to tell you all that we are doing okay. It still hurts. I
still hurt physically. The physical healing is harder than I was imagining. I am really struggling with anxiety and I feel the beginnings of PPD. I really struggled with this after Colt, but found little help. I refuse to get by on my own this time, but I also have a new doctor this time. We cry, but we can talk about Collins now without
crying every time. Colt talks about her a lot. He wakes up crying in the
night some and when I ask him what is wrong, he just says he is sad. I
don't know if he's dreaming about her or what, he won't say. He is so
very sensitive, I know it's going to take a long time for him. <br />
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This song I posted above fits so perfectly for this time in our lives. Our loved ones are incredible. Last night a precious friend gave me this beautiful necklace, cooked dinner for us and entertained us, then sent us home with homemade pumpkin bread. <br />
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When we got home, there was a huge box of homemade cookies and a sweet note on our porch. Every day there are cards in the mail. Every day there is a text or a call from a friend, or a message on Facebook. A sweet friend looked up blogs on second trimester pregnancy loss to try to understand how I was feeling. So thoughtful. We appreciate these things more than we can say. Thank you. </div>
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The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-30274711673902909312015-10-14T12:05:00.002-04:002015-10-14T13:38:57.513-04:00Empty.My last blog post, I shared some happy news - we were pregnant with a baby girl named Collins. Today, I have to say that our sweet Collins is going to live out her days in Heaven.<br />
<br />
One week ago, I went in for a regular checkup. I was in my second trimester and wasn't worried about a thing. While doing the usual Doppler check of the heartbeat, my whole world crashed around me. Baby Collins' heartbeat stopped. I heard her very last heartbeat. The nurse tried to assure me she was "just squirmy" and we were just losing the heartbeat with the Doppler. My doctor came in and tried to find it, but it wasn't there. Two ultrasounds later, it was still not there. I had literally listened as my baby girl's heart beat for the last time. I cannot even explain the feelings that caused.<br />
<br />
Here we are, a week later. Ryan, Colt, and I are at the beach for Colt's fall break. Our first vacation alone ever. Funny how that worked out - this was not our original destination (Disney) or our originally planned week. It just happened to fall right after the worst week of my life. I am trying to enjoy myself - and I am, in spurts - but it is hard.<br />
<br />
I have all of the typical postpartum feelings, and then some. I have your typical post-baby body, but no baby to show for it. I hurt physically and emotionally. Ryan hurts. Colt hurts. Colt is angry and aggressive, particularly with me. I failed him. He doesn't understand that I didn't choose this.<br />
<br />
People can't warn you for what you feel after you lose your baby. Everyone feels it differently. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit to the self-loathing that you feel. The anger. The grief. The complete sadness. The exhaustion. The never-ending tears. The guilt. The guilt you feel when you find yourself smiling, because you will. Then you will hate yourself for it.<br />
<br />
I am trying not to feel guilty. I am crying, a lot. I am angry and short-tempered, and emotional. I am mad at people who weren't there for me, but trying to understand they probably have no idea what to say. I am also infinitely grateful for those that were there. The ones that sat at my table or on my couch and let me cry. The ones that were there (even before me) when I showed up at the hospital to have surgery, the ones there when I came back - empty. The ones that took Colt to school, home from school, fed him and played with him when I couldn't even do it for myself. The ones that brought food, flowers, toys for Colt. People will show up when you need them.<br />
<br />
Anyway. I am sharing this because no one ever does. It happens a lot more than we want to think. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here is my feeble attempt to shed some light on it. It hurts. Ask for help. I am. I need help. I need support. And that's okay.The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-8869024289928291532015-10-06T12:01:00.006-04:002015-10-06T12:01:56.021-04:00I'm Back!! I have been itching to update my blog lately and when I finally pulled it up to get started, I realized that I haven't posted since March! It is now October! I am so far behind! If I updated everything, this would be a REALLY long post, so I will try to keep it to the basics.<br />
<br />
Colt finished up at Siskin and we miss it a lot. However, he started Pre-K in August! He loves it most days, but we are struggling with his behavior. He is in a "typical" classroom of 23 kids. That's a HUGE difference from Siskin so I expected some adjustment time. We are almost two months in now and it is still a problem. We'll hopefully get things under control soon. They have called in a behavior specialist to help come up with a behavior plan to see if things will change. Here's hoping.<br />
<br />
Around the same time Colt started school, we found out we were pregnant. Colt was less than thrilled, but he seems to be coming around. When we found out the baby is a girl, he got more excited. I think it will be a huge adjustment (of course!) but I think Colt will be a fantastic big brother.<br />
<br />
Some other things have changed for Colt, too. Some time this summer, Colt had his third MRI to check his brain damage. The MRI showed the damage had cleared up - seemingly on it's own. Everyone seemed so thrilled! I didn't share on the blog because, to be honest, I was very frustrated by that. Let me TRY to explain. For 4 1/2 years, Colt has been different than the other kids. He has "significant developmental delay", nystagmus, strabismus, amblyopia, he didn't talk until he was well over 3, he has hypotonia, he has macrocephaly, he has right-side body weakness (stroke-like symptoms), and he gets speech, physical therapy, and occupational therapy every week. He has some severe sensory issues and is being evaluated for high-functioning autism. When we knew that he had this brain damage, it EXPLAINED these symptoms and their connection to one another. Now, the MRI is clear and yet, he still has all of these symptoms. So if the brain damage didn't cause these things, WHAT DID?!?<br />
<br />
I have struggled with this for months, but you know what? I think it's justified. As of the past few weeks, we have noticed another thing. Colt is having what we (and his neurologist) believe are mini-seizures, also called absence seizures. They look a lot like daydreaming but for about 20 seconds, he is totally unresponsive. When it's over, he looks pretty confused for a few seconds, then carries on with what he was doing when it started. We started to really get worried last week when it happened in the middle of a restaurant during dinner. It happened again the next morning when I was trying to get him out of the car at school. Ryan and I decided it was time to call the neurologist. We called him and left a message with his nurse on Wednesday. We didn't hear anything until Friday evening when the nurse called and said our neurologist wanted Colt in his office at 8 Monday morning. Yesterday was the day. The doctor thinks they are definitely mini-seizures, but we have to confirm them with an EEG that is scheduled for November 9. It will be at the hospital and last about an hour. If the seizures don't show up there, we will have a 48 hour "take home" EEG after that. The neurologist says that if they are to the point of interrupting his dinner, he would be confident enough to go ahead and put him on medication now, but the EEG will help us know exactly what is going on.<br />
<br />
He talked to us for a long time. He feels like we are not to the bottom of the Great Colt Mystery yet. He says the MRI wasn't a huge success because every single day, an MRI will look different. Seems kind of pointless to keep doing them to me, then. Anyway, he says he still believes there is an underlying problem that we haven't found yet. He says that the older Colt gets, it manifests in a different "symptom" and maybe as he gets older, we will have enough pieces of the puzzle to figure it out. He says it could be genetic or it could be a brain structure issue. This is why I am frustrated - the second MRI did show a brain issue and we thought we had our cause, now it's gone and the symptoms remain - and keep coming.<br />
<br />
So, I have been struggling lately. I just want to know what is going on with my boy. I want to understand. I hate all the doctors, I hate all the testing, I hate the constant "study" of him and the evaluations and the questions and the stares when he melts down in public, but I want to understand him. I want him to have someone (two, with Ryan) that "get it" and that can support him. I want him to know we don't think he's weird, that's he's special and fantastic the way he is. It all sucks, but the evaluations help him get the services that he needs to have a successful life. So that's where we stand now.<br />
<br />
Also, knowing it could be genetic scares me for our baby girl. Sure, it isn't anything horrible and it could be so much worse, but it has been a long road for Colt. It's a lot of doctors, a lot of tests, a lot of surgeries, a lot of therapies, a lot of evaluations, and some days are just too much. I don't want her to have to go through it, too. <br />
<br />
By the way, her name is Collins Everly and she is due April 6, 2016.<br />
<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-12333739076051651332015-03-24T14:51:00.001-04:002015-03-24T14:51:07.522-04:00A Mother's Job.Wow, I haven't posted in over two months! Sorry! There really has been a lot going on since the last post. For starters, Colt spent three days in the local children's hospital for pneumonia which was exacerbated by his asthma. He spent about 8 days in bed. No playing, no reading, no nothing. Just sleeping. He was pitiful. However, he made a full recovery for the most part. We've done a few rounds of steroids since then, including this past week, when he was diagnosed with bronchitis again. Poor kiddo has terrible lungs. We're on day 6 of antibiotics, so I think we're on the mend. <br />
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Now, here comes the big part and also the part where I struggle the most. I am about to get very honest, consider yourself warned.<br />
<br />
We recently saw a behavioral psychologist and she did a full analysis of Colt and his development. She took the reports we've gotten from our pediatrician, ophthalmologist, neurologist, geneticist, and our different evaluations for physical/occupational/speech therapy through our school system and reviewed them. She also made her own analysis. She asked us more questions than I could ever count, while observing Colt at the same time. She also had him perform some tasks or exercises to see how well he could complete them. Let me say, it's hard to watch someone critique your child. This lady could tell that Colt has some brain damage just by the way he moves his arms asymmetrically when trying to perform a difficult task. Luckily, we already knew this from a previous MRI or I imagine that would have been a bit of a shock. He still has very low muscle tone and very little reflex. Long story short, she diagnosed Colt with Sensory Processing Disorder. We already knew this was most likely going to be our diagnosis, but we finally got it. Our pediatrician thinks Colt also has a place somewhere on the Autism spectrum. Now the spectrum is HUGE, so we don't know much about that yet, but he thinks he's obviously on the high-functioning end, possibly with Asperger's. One day I'll get into that more, but for now, we don't know that for sure just yet.<br />
<br />
Let me take a second and explain Sensory Processing Disorder. <span class="_Tgc">Sensory
processing disorder is a condition in
which the brain has trouble receiving and responding to information that
comes in through the senses. The condition used to be called sensory
integration dysfunction. This site has some wonderful information - <a href="http://spdstar.org/what-is-spd/">http://spdstar.org/what-is-spd/</a>
Basically, for some kids (and adults too!) noises are louder, smells
are stronger, lights are brighter, clothes are scratchier, etc... OR
they can have the opposite situation. They seek out loud noises, bright
lights, fast movement, etc. They can also have a little bit of both
situations. This is Colt. He HATES certain smells, to the point of
vomiting. He hates certain textures - clothes, food, etc. He hates
certain noises - the sound of fajitas sizzling, startling noises like
alarms, the toilet running, etc. However, he loves to swing fast, ride
rollercoasters, and loves loud music in the car. There's so much more to
it than this, but you can read up on it if you like. This is a fantastic <a href="http://spdfoundation.net/about-sensory-processing-disorder.html">link.</a></span><br />
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Now, let me explain why our diagnosis is important. <br />
<br />
Colt gets physical, speech, and occupational therapies through our school system, like I mentioned before. HOWEVER, this therapy is very much education-based. It is designed to help him succeed in the school setting. This is fantastic, except it doesn't always help us at home. Please know, we love our therapists, we love the school where he receives the therapies, we have no problems with them at all. BUT, we need more. They see so many children and we only get 30 minutes a week. By the time you get Colt to focus, half of the therapy time is gone. So we've decided to pursue this and get him private therapy too. Say what you want to say, but this is my JOB. My job as Colt's mother is to do everything I can to help him succeed. The preschool age is CRITICAL for development and if I don't help him learn coping strategies and attempt to help desensitize him to the things that cause him to shut down, he may not ever learn. This can develop into a much bigger problem without treatment now.<br />
<br />
So. We have our SPD diagnosis which allows us private therapies. FANTASTIC. When we left that first appointment, I made four more appointments for evaluations. Let me lay out the next few months for you -<br />
<br />
April 8 - neurologist appointment (making another appointment then for a sedated MRI)<br />
April 14 - speech therapy evaluation<br />
April 22 - occupational therapy evaluation<br />
May 4 - physical therapy evaluation<br />
May 27 - allergist appointment (asthma)<br />
June 15 - ENT appointment<br />
July 6 - developmental pediatrician evaluation/appointment<br />
July 13 - ophthalmologist appointment<br />
<br />
Add in there Speech/PT/OT every week. Also, add in any of your typical pediatrician well or sick visits (we have many!), and ball practice and ball games because, maybe we're crazy, but we signed Colt up for baseball this year. Once we get the private therapy evaluations completed, we'll be adding in three more therapy sessions a week. That is SIX therapy sessions a week.<br />
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I say all this because I am a parent of a special needs child. It took me a long time to be able to say that term - SPECIAL NEEDS. That's a tough pill to swallow, but you know what? It could be so much worse. Colt can walk, jump, swing, play baseball, and talk (though I thought we'd never get there!) and there are so many people, probably people you know, that have it much worse. They have more appointments and therapies than we do. They need your support. They need to cry to you because it's been a long, tiring week. (Heck, that's any parent!) The thing is that they may not know how to ask for your help or your support. If you know someone that shares some of our struggles, let them know you're thinking of them. It means a lot. They probably desperately need your encouragement. You probably don't even realize the hours they spend researching, calling, planning, driving, going to IEP meetings, and advocating. It's exhausting.<br />
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Recently, I have gotten a little braver about sharing our struggles and our "labels" with others. A dear friend of our family approached me about it at church. She told me she was so proud of us for being able to "embrace" it. She is proud of us for not being in denial. You know what? That's not easy. It's NEVER easy to admit or accept that something may be different about your child. Who wants that?!? I don't, but you know what? That's my job as Colt's mother. I have always been someone that "writes" out my feelings. It has gotten me into trouble more than once. I still do this, but I am hoping my words can be more helpful these days. I get by through support of other mothers like me - reading their blogs, mostly. I have shared our struggles (and our many victories!) through my blogs from the start of our journey. If I can be a voice and help one person be brave and face an issue, then I have succeeded. There may be someone reading this that suspects their child may need a little extra help but are afraid to pursue it. If that's you, do it. Talk to your pediatrician. Send me a message! I can help you know where to start. I have jumped through more hoops and cut through so many rolls of 'red tape' it's crazy. Don't be afraid. Your child deserves it. It's your job - YOUR JOB! - to fight for them until they can fight for themselves. It's your JOB to teach them how to fight for themselves and it's your JOB to teach them that THEY ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR. <br />
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Don't be afraid of the term "special needs". All I can see in that is that my son is SPECIAL. <br />
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-61276738940910512782015-01-15T12:33:00.002-05:002015-01-15T12:33:27.850-05:00Behavior Frustration.You may know we have had some real struggles with Colt lately. He's getting into a lot of trouble, at home, church, and school. He is biting, hitting, and kicking his teachers. He has bitten a friend twice and that breaks my heart because we have been on the receiving end of a child like that. It's hard as a parent to know that has happened to your child without wanting to spank the other kid. I get that. Luckily, that little boy has a really sweet and understanding mother. That has stopped for now, but it's his teachers (and me!) now. FRUSTRATING. He knows better, but it's like he absolutely cannot control it. It's a true impulse and I have no idea how to teach a 4 year old to think before acting, when he obviously reacts before he CAN think. After these kinds of situations happen, he immediately starts apologizing. When you ask him why he did something, he always says, "I don't know. I really don't know." I believe him, he really doesn't know why he does it. :(<br />
<br />
It's hard these days and I am so frustrated because I know my son is not a bad kid. We punish him, teach him rules, reward him when he's good, and stick to our guns. We don't give in when things get hard. We don't stick a "screen" in front of his face to pacify him. Actually, he has a LeapPad tablet that he loves but it is reserved for doctor's offices, long car rides, and rewards. I only say all of this to make the point that he's not an undisciplined, pacified child, you know? ANYWAY, this morning I took him to school and his teacher had come up with a special plan for him. She had written a story about the appropriate way to act when you are frustrated or anxious or whatever and in the story, if he reacts the appropriate way, he gets to play with a "Minion" toy. You know, the little yellow guys from the 'Despicable Me' movies? Well, his teacher went out and BOUGHT HIM A SPECIAL MINION TOY. It was sitting up high on a shelf. It is ONLY for Colt, but ONLY if he reacts the correct way and not the way he's been reacting. This story had pictures and everything. She went out of her way to try to help him.<br />
<br />
This is not the first time she has done something special to try to help him. Nap time is a real fight at school, as he's suddenly stopped napping. Apparently Colt can't be quiet and still (shocker!) during nap time, so it disrupts all the other children who do nap. His teacher set a timer and if Colt is still and quiet until the timer goes off (just enough time to let the other children get to sleep), he gets a special "quiet box" she made up for him with all kinds of quiet activities to do while his classmates nap.<br />
<br />
These situations have helped me see that there is no place around that would accommodate him the way his school does. They go above and beyond to make sure he succeeds. We're not there yet, but with a teacher and a facility like this, I can't see how he won't. I am so thankful for their help and support and amazing resources. I am also thankful for a caring, patient, understanding teacher.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Snuggling with his weighted blanket. </td></tr>
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<br />The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-17232479394294170952014-11-13T14:37:00.000-05:002014-11-13T14:37:20.430-05:00An Eye-OpenerI have to be brutally honest about something. <br />
<br />
Yesterday, Colt and I were out running errands and we had just parked at Academy when a truck pulled in and parked in the handicapped spot beside us. I was trying to finish my coffee before entering the store, so I was just sitting. I glanced over, noticed it was a young couple, maybe late 20s or early 30s. I watched them get out (the woman closest to me) and thought to myself 'Boy, they sure don't look handicapped to me' and carried on finishing my Starbucks and trying to talk Colt into finishing his milk. The longer I sat there, the more they annoyed me because well, I didn't have anything better to think about, I guess.<br />
<br />
Finally, Colt and I got out of the car, distractedly passed by the back of the truck, and went inside. We got what we needed and came back out. This time, we walked in front of the truck. This time, I noticed a tag on the front of the truck stating something about the US Army. As I walked between my car and this truck, I noticed a knob on the steering wheel and an extra "gear shifter". At that moment, I started to get it. I put Colt in his car seat and backed out. I went behind the truck and actually looked this time. He had a tag with some kind of award hanging between the numbers. It honestly looked like a Purple Heart, but it was covered by a plate around the edges saying "United States Army" so I couldn't be sure.<br />
<br />
This was the day after Veteran's Day. Suddenly, I was so ashamed of myself. <br />
<br />
How could I be so judgmental? I wish now that I had parked the car again and waited on the couple to come out so I could thank that man for his service and his sacrifice. I wish I could thank him for being able to sit in my nice warm car, drinking overpriced coffee, without worrying about being blown to smithereens. <br />
<br />
So, to that man, his wife, and every other Veteran - Thank you. Thank you for fighting for me, for my son, for my family, for our freedom, and our safety. <br />
<br />
Thank you, God, for allowing us to be born into the Land of the Free, BECAUSE OF THE BRAVE.The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-80855939909125683642014-11-10T15:23:00.001-05:002014-11-10T15:26:01.027-05:00A Big Win!<p dir="ltr">Well after a re-evaluation and two meetings with a bunch of school-system people, it has been decided that Colt is "Significantly Developmentally Delayed" (or SDD). This will qualify him for physical therapy and occupational therapy, along with the speech therapy he is already receving, through our school system. I am very happy. Don't get me wrong, I am not happy that he needs it, but I am happy that he is going to receive the help he needs. The first time I was told he wasn't "bad enough" according to the "system" but everyone who evaluated him agreed that the system is flawed. The county school psychologist went to work on Colt's case and figured out a way to get him the services he needs, in a way that had never been used before. I appreciate her hard work and the rest of the therapists and teachers/administrators that helped us. I am hopeful we can catch Colt up in gross and fine motor skills before he starts Kindergarten with their help. Yay! It means three different therapies a week, but that is a win in our book.</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0jFraTsGbi2gBHerYbRaM_94mllmMgPnJs2z24bKNGmp0setypUdCA1ltg180v5EQUtPP2oNvNDtr_JbbKnWhIY0_hFVetfoAm7m9FwlmAdD33jmXAy15jfCbbPfYkDobUljL75Axk80/s1600/2014-11-08%25252012.59.20.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0jFraTsGbi2gBHerYbRaM_94mllmMgPnJs2z24bKNGmp0setypUdCA1ltg180v5EQUtPP2oNvNDtr_JbbKnWhIY0_hFVetfoAm7m9FwlmAdD33jmXAy15jfCbbPfYkDobUljL75Axk80/s640/2014-11-08%25252012.59.20.jpg"> </a> </div>The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-36068900763380587822014-10-22T11:22:00.000-04:002014-11-11T11:23:07.628-05:00Real talk.<div dir="ltr">
Nothing major has really changed since my last blog post, but I have found myself in an ugly, discouraged state. I am struggling. Part of it is Colt - he is an incredible gift but he is exhausting and difficult at times. Part of it is just me.</div>
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What I am struggling with most is just being a mom. It's hard. Especially when something is wrong or different about your little one and there's just nothing you can do to help. It's been mentioned to us by a few different people (teachers, the school psychologist, physical therapists) that he appears to be ADHD. I have no doubt about this, but he's also 3 years old. (4 next week) I do see it, though. Every day I see it. At nap time and bed time these days especially. He just absolutely cannot shut his brain down. It's exhausting. Have I mentioned that? Someone else (not just a regular Joe, this person is legit) mentioned they believed he had Asperger's. We've looked into this, but I don't think it's the case. There are some definite similarities, but some of the others, I think absolutely not. It's frustrating to hear this stuff and know that there is definitely still something going on (especially when you see him with his peers) but no one can seem to put their finger on it. He is "just Colt".</div>
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He is crazy smart. CRAZY smart. He can sight-read words that no one has ever sat down and "taught" him. He just remembers them - from books, street signs, commercials, and store signs. He can tell you directions to places because every time we turn, he wants to know the name of the road. This week in the car, he has been making me spell words. While on the phone with my mom, she asked me what we were getting him for his birthday and I spelled, "B-I-K-E" and Colt said, "A bike?!?" Dude. He shouldn't know that, right? When he wants you to talk, he'll ask you to talk about weird stuff that kids shouldn't find interesting, for example yesterday at lunch he said, "Tell me how we got to Myrtle Beach." So I said, "Well, we started on 75 south to Atlanta" and he said "Then we got on I-20 east to get to South Carolina!" Um, yes we did. Last month. </div>
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With all that being said, he still isn't even close to being potty-trained. I am beating myself up over it. I feel like I have done something wrong and missed our chance. He will go when you take him, but can't seem to stop what he is doing and go himself. We put him in undies because people say he won't like being wet. It doesn't phase him in the least and I wash a lot of clothes and couch cushions. I spent a ton of money on rewards for a reward box and sticker chart and he doesn't care. I downloaded a "potty app" but he would still go between our set times. I am absolutely at a loss. Colt is awfully big for his age (he wears size 6 clothes) and I can FEEL people judging me when his shirt comes up and they see he is wearing a Pull-Up. What do I do? :(</div>
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Maybe this has nothing to do with me, but it feels like a mommy failure. I just try to remind myself that he is truly his own person and doing his best. </div>
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I never imagined this amazing, talkative little boy would be the same boy that didn't speak until well after his third birthday. As we were leaving his speech therapy yesterday, I overheard the school principal telling someone, "That little boy is a miracle." and it brought big fat tears to my eyes. He is just that. A beautiful, brilliant, miracle baby. Those moments, those proud, long sought after moments are what help to slowly but surely drag me out of this ugly hole I get sucked into so easily. </div>
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The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-61708446482426817732014-09-15T13:45:00.001-04:002014-09-15T13:45:25.041-04:00Bad News.<p dir="ltr">Today we had our usual 6 month visit to the pediatric eye specialist. I had a couple of concerns going in and left with more coming out. Not what I was hoping for, I have to say.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Lately Colt hasn't wanted to wear his glasses in the evenings,  saying his "eyes are tired". We have also noticed one eye starting to turn in a bit. If you remember,  Colt has had three surgeries to correct this already. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Well, Dr. Peterson noticed it immediately. It really is turning in. Also, the vision in that eye has gone from 20/40 to 20/70 in the last 6 months. He is concerned about the crossing mainly because when there is one "good eye" and one that crosses, the brain will stop using the "bad eye". This is what leads to the vision loss and this can be permanent. Now Colt's glasses are not strong enough,  but Dr. Peterson wants to wait to change the prescription. </p>
<p dir="ltr">So. Now, we are supposed to patch the good eye for two hours a day, which will force his brain to use the bad eye. We have been through this before but only for one hour at a time. If the patch helps,  great! If it doesn't, we are looking at a fourth surgery. We have to go back in two months, rather than our usual six. This is not what I wanted to hear and really breaks my heart. I really thought that door was shut for good. </p>
The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-113803096821236660.post-44745564057180248122014-09-03T21:20:00.001-04:002014-09-03T21:44:19.366-04:00Three Year Old Responsibilities<p dir="ltr">Things at the House of Doo have been kind of hectic lately. Summer is winding down but it is still miserably hot out, so the family ice business is crazy. There are also about to be some changes, so Ryan works a lot. Colt and I spend A LOT of time together when Ryan is working. That is a good thing, however, some days I LONG for Colt to go to bed. Don't act like you don't know what I mean. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Anyway. Colt seems to go through cycles of really great behavior, followed by really terrible behavior. It seems the latter stage has been lasting a few months, but I was starting to notice it was worse after eating certain foods. Especially fruit snacks. He was a monster every time he ate them! About a year ago, I took foods away that contained dyes. It helped tremendously. Then i got lazy and let him have them back. Well, I have taken them away again. It seems to be working, or maybe it is a coincidence. Either way, I am happy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Colt is also VERY strong-willed. I have been reading articles and blogs about parenting strong-willed children and have found them very helpful. One thing that really seems to work with Colt is to <b>let him have responsibility. </b>We have been to the mall twice this week and both times, I let him walk.<b> </b><b>I LET MY VERY DEFIANT THREE YEAR OLD WALK THROUGH THE</b><b> MALL. WITH NO LEASH/STROLLER/BACK-UP PLAN. ALONE. </b>(Me, not him) If you are a parent of a very defiant, stubborn, clever three year old you know what kind of disaster could have ensued. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Guess what. It worked like a dream. Now please know I threatened the devil out of him, but it worked. I let him know what a privilege it was to be allowed to walk and not ride in a stroller but if he even thought of running away or grabbing anything, his little hiney would ride in a stroller forever. It worked. It worked. It worked. We went in stores, we walked long hallways, we went in a "cafeteria style" restaurant and he pushed his tray down the line and chose his food. He even went in the bookstore, chose 2 books, and patiently let me pick one! I am so proud. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Tomorrow is a new day and things may change, but for now, I am thrilled. I love allowing him some freedom and responsibility and he loved it too. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Now, if we could only get him potty-trained</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXqkQMG2GebzLUxGNVkvgxcTI1nd3g1w5JcGcZpy3pUWOTnrDf0SIVJhRi1a5XZwYLcAky7JgV64ce4b8oucBJQaeHiNSy7OMQBuPzr37jRL9jQ1GnstLXlCVwuKWhvN5-5xNKZ-ndcs/s1600/20140901_161358.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPXqkQMG2GebzLUxGNVkvgxcTI1nd3g1w5JcGcZpy3pUWOTnrDf0SIVJhRi1a5XZwYLcAky7JgV64ce4b8oucBJQaeHiNSy7OMQBuPzr37jRL9jQ1GnstLXlCVwuKWhvN5-5xNKZ-ndcs/s640/20140901_161358.jpg"> </a> </div>The House of Doohttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16487484027310044019noreply@blogger.com2