China - One Year Later.

We are one week shy of our first annual Miles Day! Can you guys believe it has been an entire year since we first met Miles? I absolutely cannot believe that. This has been the hardest year of my life. I have said that before but boy, I was wrong. This has been a doozie.

This time last year, I had a few people say they couldn't wait to read my blog about our time in China. I couldn't wait to write it - until I lived China. It may sound dramatic but I know without a doubt that I have PTSD from our time there. First of all, I was in the process of changing my anxiety meds and it just so happened that I wasn't on any meds during our time in China. That was a HORRIBLE mistake. I literally couldn't function. I cried all day every day and night. I wasn't sleeping or eating.

We arrived in China on a Saturday after about 30 hours of travel (and no sleep for me) and didn't meet Miles until Monday afternoon. My anxiety would have been high even with meds but I was a blubbering mess by Monday. There's supposed to be somewhat of a "show" when presenting you with your new child. You wait in a room while they bring them in and introduce them to you. We didn't get that as there was a mix-up at the Civil Affairs office.

We saw Miles walking down the sidewalk with a nanny from his orphanage. She practically threw him at us in the lobby. He was covered in his own vomit and wearing a diaper. We were told his special need was Strabismus (crossed eyes). He very obviously had Cerebral Palsy. You sign some papers and they send you on your way.

This is where everything gets blurry. These days were awful. Miles bit, kicked, screamed, slapped, and had very obvious seizures. He self-harmed. He bit Colt and made him bleed. He was mean and angry and so was I. I shut down.

I called my dad, bawling, every day and told him that I could not do it. I wasn't prepared for these kinds of needs. I called my mom too, but she told me what I wanted to hear and my dad told me what I needed to hear. I wanted them to say I could just come home and I didn't have to do this. My dad wouldn't say that. He assured me that God lead us to Miles for a reason and that we could do this. Ryan never wavered - we were doing it.

I just wanted out. I grieved for weeeeeeeks over the life we had before Miles. It wasn't an easy, perfect life - I mean, Colt has Autism and some other issues. These things are hard. However, this was a whole new level of HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE and OUT.OF.MY.COMFORT.ZONE.

Anyway, China was the longest two weeks of my life. Somehow, by the grace of God, we survived. I survived. However, as we come up on the one year anniversary, these feelings are slipping back into my heart. I am anxious and tired and literally sick. I am absolutely dreading seeing these Facebook Memories and feeling these feelings again.

At the same time, looking at Miles now - I can't imagine not going through with his adoption. He is the most challenging child I have ever encountered, but he's so deserving of love and a family and doctors and help. I am so thankful God chose us to be His hands and feet for Miles, and so thankful that He didn't let anyone talk us out of it.

Sometimes I still feel a bit sad over the life we had before - where things just weren't so hard, especially for Colt. Then I see Colt and Miles together giggling over a video, or see Colt protectively crying over something Miles has to endure at the hospital, or hear Miles say, "I love you, GuhGuh (big brother)," and I just can't help but weep over what we could have missed, what we could have stolen from Colt.

I know this is all messy and probably not very well written but it's been on my heart. God never says that things will be easy. He just promises that we will never walk alone and I can honestly say that I have felt Him nearer through this year than I ever have before. You just have to be willing to say 'Yes!' when you don't think you are strong enough. God will enable you. He will give you what you need for the journey on which He places you.

The Special Isolation of Special Needs

My blog has been ignored for a long time. There is still so much I need to write about Miles and his adoption. Today is just not that day.

I want to talk about the journey of being a special needs mom.

I have been a special needs mom for 8 1/2 years, so this is not a new thing that came with Miles. I have been taking a child to therapies, seeing specialists, and attending IEP meetings for a long time.

Some days, I just feel like I have this all in the bag. I can do it and I don't need help. Today started that way. I got Colt to school, took Miles to work with me, and called customers for almost an hour with Miles in my lap. Then I took him to his neurologist, where I discussed his seizures and brain surgery and multitude of medications like a veteran, then held this thrashing 56 pound 7 year old in my lap for blood draws. We then went to lunch and did some shopping with him on my hip because he just can't walk that much and I left his wheelchair in the car. (See? Rookie mistake.) Afterwards, we picked up big brother from school and I came home and unloaded the week's groceries. It has been a very busy but productive day.

AND THEN.

Then I got on Facebook.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. I love it because it connects me to people and in a strange way, I feel like I am not so alone. Then I hate it because I see pictures of people out DOING THINGS and GOING PLACES. Together. Out with friends. Weekend trips. Out on dates.

It hits me like a ton of bricks just how isolating this special needs life really is. When Colt was younger, I remember a group of moms and kids from church getting together on Wednesdays to play. We could never go because it was always during Colt's speech/PT/OT sessions. Eventually the invites stopped. Same now, five years later.

Very, very few birthday party invitations come. As a matter of fact, it's been about a year and a half since Colt has been invited to a birthday party. I hate that for him so badly. If he has noticed, he hasn't said anything but I know he will notice one day. At the same time, birthday parties can be very overwhelming for him. It's so hard. To not be invited and get his feelings hurt or be invited, go, and get absolutely overwhelmed? What's worse?

I know this is a mess of a blog, but life is so hard right now. There are lots of tears. I am exhausted. Miles asks the very same questions no less than fifty times a day. He is closer to my side than my own shadow at all times. Colt cannot be left alone for even a second because he's so impulsive and he might spray your garage with cans of spray paint or lock your doors so you have to have someone remove the doorknob for you, or dig holes into the leather of your car doors. (Yes, those things really happened.)

Life is hard for all parents, I know. However, it's different for special needs parents. It's not just a season. It most likely won't be over in a few years. It's a lifetime.

Check on your friends with kids of different abilities. They still want to be invited, even if they can't go.

So we are somewhere over the Arctic Ocean on our way to China. We are 5 hours into a 13 hour journey to meet our newest son, Miles Chen Da.

And I am in full-on meltdown mode. Straight up PANIC, y'all.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally and the tears just need to come out.

Let me set this up - Colt is flipping through the Delta magazine and mentions a Domino's ad - his favorite pizza. The reality of this situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Our little life - just the three of us - will never be the same. I suddenly want to be at home, eating pizza without a worry in the world. Y'all, it feels like regret.

I can't believe I just admitted that. So I do the only thing that I know to do. I pray.

"God. Come quickly. Meet me here in this ugly place. I know you called me to this - now you gotta get me through it."

I already miss my comfort zone and I have two more weeks (plus forever) of this. So anyway, as I am praying/begging God for help, I remember that my dear friend and fellow adoptive mama gave me a card and a gift for this very moment.

I dig it out of my carry-on and open the card first. The threatening tears burst out like a dam broke loose. Inside she had written exactly what I needed to hear. God knew.

After I cried all the tears (for that moment anyway), I got a good giggle over a funny book about doing hard things.

At this point, Colt has dug into some Dove chocolates. Inside the very first wrapper it says this, "Home is where Mom is."

Miles doesn't have a home because Miles doesn't have a Mom. In less than 3 days, that changes forever. That is exciting, yes. It is also terrifying and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous or just flat out scared.

The last 2 1/2 years have been so long and like a pipe dream, but here it is. It's time for it to become reality and that is HARD and SCARY and EMOTIONAL and BEAUTIFUL.

Please pray for our family, especially Miles and Colt. Colt has not wavered for a second during all of this. He is ready and excited and fine. I pray he stays that way but I just don't know. Miles is about to get his world rocked. It will be terrifying for him.

I want to be honest so that people can know exactly how to pray for us. I need courage, strength, and wisdom and I need it now.

I feel better already.

Today, I am thankful for a God that hears my prayers and helps me do hard things. I am also thankful for friends that have gone before me and that help to carry me when I freeze up.

Dear Younger Me

I have felt the need to share this for a while but just haven't gotten around to writing it. Bear with me.

As a child, I "got saved" at a VBS. I was baptized but honestly I know in my heart that I had no idea what I was doing. It didn't occur to me until I was older that I probably wasn't really a Christian. Around the age of 13 or 14 (sad I don't remember) I realized that I genuinely wanted to be a Christian and that I needed to properly ask the Lord to change my heart.

I was a good kid in high school. I stayed out of trouble and generally did what I was supposed to do. College was a different story. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of to this day. Finally, I grew up, got married, and changed my ways. Mostly.

Now, I believe all of this time that I genuinely was a Christian - I just lost my way a bit.

In 2015, I got pregnant with Collins after genuinely thinking that Colt was going to have to be an only child. Then we lost her that October. I can honestly say that the next year was the hardest time of my life. I was so angry. Anxiety wrecked my life. I was devastated by someone I depended on and literally hated anything and everything. I was miserable and miserable to be around.

During this time, I was invited to be in a women's discipleship group. I flat out DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. I don't trust other women very easily. Other than family, I can count about 4 that I trust. I came up with excuse after excuse, but finally gave in and agreed.

This discipleship group required lots of Bible reading and lots of journaling and was going to span over the course of a year. Somewhere along month three, I started feeling the walls come down. God began to speak to me through His Word. During this time, our adoption began to move forward and we decided to travel to Uganda as a family.

Most of you know, Uganda ROCKED MY WORLD. It shattered my HEART, but it restored my soul. It gave me purpose to my life. I felt God in a way I never had before. I wanted to make Him proud, to share Him, to give hope to others too.

I know without a doubt that God took my brokenness and mended it all back together in a much better way. He made beauty from ashes.

I am not perfect. I struggle more than I care to admit. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and never feeling like I am enough. I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, kind enough, patient enough. I am not a great friend. I am selfish. I am angry at the past. Gosh, I am a mess.

But I have been redeemed.
I am chosen by the Creator of the Universe.
I am a daughter of the One True King.

I have placed my past, my failures, my resentment at the foot of the cross. It is not mine to carry. That battle has already been won. And that feels GOOD.

This song gets me every time.  Read these words. Take them to heart. ❤

"Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Through each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me"
-MercyMe

Bare.

I haven't blogged in a long time. This one probably won't be much to read but it's more for me anyway.

Most of you know, I had to have a psychological evaluation done by a psychologist for our adoption. However, no one knows that I have continued to see him on my own. A few of you know some of the parts of my childhood story, but there was so much hurt growing up. I saw and lived more than any child should (though I know there are much worse stories) but it isn't something I share with others. I have finally started to deal with it with this psychologist. I hate it. It's hard. It's necessary.

Especially if I am going to be parenting a child of trauma. I need to deal with mine so I can help him deal with his. So I am on this awful but crucial journey. While seeing this psychologist, we have decided it best to change my depression and anxiety medicine. I have taken Lexapro off and on for years, but this time I have been on a high dose for 2 1/2 years. I have gained 60 pounds in those 2 1/2 years. I sleep 12+ hours a night and nap 2-3 hours a day. It was debilitating. I couldn't lose weight, even when I desperately tried and I barely had enough energy to get ready every morning. I have had enough.

So my psychologist sent me to a doctor to help me safely switch my medication to a better fit for me. The last two weeks I have weaned off of my Lexapro and started Wellbutrin XL. The last 4 days have been a living hell. My anxiety is totally uncontrolled, my blood pressure is sky high (though better when I took it today), and the slightest thing makes me RAGING mad.

Last night I stopped to fill my car up with gas. Every 5-6 seconds, the gas pump would shut off even though I was holding the handle in my hand. I lost my mind over it and had to leave. I knew it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't see straight it made me si angry. I had been at dinner with friends before this and literally could not wait to go home, even though these are friends I adore. Same with family today.

Have you ever had TRUE anxiety? I am not talking about nervousness or worrying about something out of your control. I am talking about debilitating, life-altering anxiety. When it hits me, I start to tremble. It gets hard to breathe. It feels like I am underwater trying to suck oxygen from a balloon that is quickly running out of air and I have to fight to get more in my lungs before there is no more - I am drowning and each breath is a struggle. I cry, sometimes hysterically. Sometimes I throw up.

It had been much more controlled but this switch has caused it to come back in epic proportions.

I spoke to a dear friend on Wednesday during the beginning of an anxiety attack. She gets it - she has been there. She told me that I cannot hide away, like she did. I need to be honest, up front, and share with others to try to help people understand me.

So here I am, putting my faults out there for everyone to judge. Most of you know me and you know I am pretty open about most things, but I can tell you that attempting to work through childhood traumas, changing meds, and the stress of adopting a child who will need a strong Mama are taking a serious toll on me and it is HARD to share it.

So just know that if I am short with you, don't want to go out, or don't talk much, it isn't personal. I am not angry with you. I am just in a deep dark hole right now and hopefully I can be back soon. I can't sleep, I am obsessively cleaning things, I am angry and irritable, and I can't even nap. It honestly makes me feel like I might explode.

I would appreciate your prayers and your patience. I promise we can be friends again soon.

Touching Base.

It has been a while since I have last posted about our adoption. Things are moving along, VERY slowly. We finished our home study a couple of weeks ago and are waiting on the final written report. For some reason it is taking a bit longer than we were told, but it is what it is.

At our final home study, we were given a lot of information that I have been dwelling on for a while now. Our social worker told us about a time when she visited an orphanage in China. She was in a room FULL of cribs holding babies - literally a hundred or more. Can you imagine how chaotic that would be? A room full of screaming babies? Except it wasn't. IT WAS SILENT. It wasn't some crazy miracle where they were all sleeping simultaneously - they were awake! I can't imagine that. You know why they were silent? Because they had learned that when they cried, no one came to them. If they were hungry, dirty, sick, bored, lonely, scared, tired - no one came to care for them when they needed something. So eventually they learned to just keep quiet. Getting Miles to verbalize what he wants and needs is going to be a huge struggle.

Our social worker also told us to expect Miles to be very angry with us for taking him away from the orphanage. This cold place is his home. In my mind, a child would hope to be adopted into a family! This is rarely the case. These children don't know any differently. They don't know they don't have a family because they don't know what a family is! She says Miles will likely not trust us for a long time. He will most likely bond with Colt quickly because he's used to children and not adults. She says Colt will have a HUGE part in this adoption - he will be the one teaching Miles that he can trust us as his parents.

I would be lying if I said this didn't bother me. It is weighing heavy on my heart. I am TERRIFIED. I don't know why God chose this path for us, I am scared of it, but I am ready for it too. It will be a huge challenge but I know that He doesn't always call the equipped. He equips the called. God will take care of it, but I do still appreciate your prayers for us. For Colt and for Miles. I pray they do bond quickly. I also pray that Ryan and I have the heart, the strength, the grace, and the love for this task. It seems so very big.

Yesterday Colt had an appointment with his pediatric ophthalmologist. We go see him every 3-6 months, depending on how Colt's eyes are doing. We have been noticing his eyes "wandering" again for about a year or more and the doctor has been monitoring it closely. He has also started doing the weird head positioning when he's trying to focus. Anyway, yesterday I took some pictures in that I have taken of Colt where his eyes were obviously off. Dr. Peterson decided he would change the prescription in his glasses to try to fix the issue but because it's happening when the glasses are on and off, he isn't sure it will work. We may be looking at a fourth eye surgery in our future, but we do have some time to wait and see. Dr. Peterson also wasn't happy with the way his eyes were switching from being turned in to turned out. He says this points back to the neurological issue Colt has had since birth.

If you have followed Colt's journey for a while, you may remember when he was two years old, we were told that Colt had brain damage or mild cerebral palsy due to a suspected stroke in-utero. Then some time around four years old, we were told that the MRI showed that the brain had basically "healed itself" and that the damage was gone. I posted about that some, but I never posted about how I truly felt. I felt like I should have been elated!

BUT I WASN'T.

I was devastated. You know why? Because all the symptoms of the brain damage were still there. The developmental delay. The eye issues. The speech issues. The right side body weakness. The physical awkwardness. And on and on. When we found out about he brain damage, we had an answer as to why Colt had all these issues. Well when they took that answer away, we were left with the questions again.

If that's not what is causing it, then what is?

 Then yesterday, when Dr. Peterson said the words "neurological issue" all of those feelings came rushing back. Granted, now we have some other diagnoses - Autism, ADHD, SPD, but those don't explain his eyes not responding to his brain and the other physical issues. I am not sure we will ever really understand the puzzle that is Colt, but I am trying.

I just needed to get that out. I hated thinking that I should feel one way as a parent that receives good news, but I didn't feel that way at all. Now those words are being tossed around again and the feelings are back.

Anyway, here's one of the super cute pictures of my boy and his special eyes. 💓