Comeback.

Please forgive me if this post is choppy. I am a bit rusty.

If you know me well, you know that I am much better at communicating through writing than with spoken words. I tend to speak before I think things through and this often gets me in trouble. Sometimes I even "post before thinking" and this too gets me in trouble. I have taken a few "Facebook breaks" over the past few months and it's been liberating and constricting at the very same time. It's nice to not feel so connected to something and to be able to pull away. But at the same time, it took away my voice. I can promise you that was a good (but hard!) thing at the time. I had lots of ugly things to say to anyone that would listen.

I have not blogged since April. I am missing it. Missing my outlet. Missing my (free!) therapy.

The past year has been the worst year I could have ever imagined. I have felt intense joy and the most intense heartbreak too. I have been put on antidepressants and anti-anxiety medications. Medication to sleep. Therapy. It's hard. I have been drowning. I am still struggling but I am starting to see a light at the end of this horrible tunnel.

Our family has been tested relentlessly this year and y'all, we failed.

We FAILED.

Our family almost didn't make it.

Our flesh is so weak, but you know what? Our God is so strong. His strength is made perfect in our weakness.

I take comfort in knowing that we are doing what God intended for us. I know Satan tests us most when we are doing what is right. With that being said, we are still adopting. I still have shirts to give out. I have not forgotten. I have just been fighting to keep my head above water.

I am sorry. I am sorry I have been a bad friend. I am sorry I haven't been a good example. I have been angry. Sad. Hurt. Hopeless. Anxious.

But I am coming back, hopefully for good and hopefully all of me.

If you made it through this, thank you. ❤

Adoption Process Update

It's definitely time for an adoption update!

We had our first home study this past Friday. It went well but it was absolutely NOTHING like I expected it to be. With the words "home study" I expected them to basically perform a home inspection. The study was three hours long and the last ten minutes were spent touring our house. The rest was spent in deep discussion of our marriage and home life. It was very intense. The very first question the social worker asked was "Ryan, how do you know Jessica loves you?".  That's harder to answer than you might think, especially to someone you just met. Once we got over how personal it was, it went very well. Ha!

We have three more home studies to go. Our next is scheduled for May 11th. Between now and then we have a couple of books to read, autobiographies to write, doctor appointments to schedule, psychologist appointments to schedule, background checks to start, fingerprints to give, and fundraising to continue.

On the fundraising side, things are moving along! The t-shirt sales helped us a good bit but most has come from friends and family donating! Also, my precious friend Hillary of HMX Photography donated her time, talent, and money to help us raise money. She helped us raise over $1,000!! Thank you, sweet Hillary. Also, thank you to everyone that purchased a session with her! You are all amazing and helping us bring home our sweet little one.

Colt is upset because his little brother or sister will be in the next bedroom over. He wants them in his room! (Or so he thinks) I told him that the child may cry in the middle of the night and wake him up. Colt assured me that he would rub their back and ask if they want to hold his hand. ;) Sweet boy. He is so excited to have a little brother or sister! He is going to be such an amazing big brother.

Thank you to everyone that has offered support, prayers, and encouragement. We know that we can do this with the help of all that stand with us.

I'll leave you with this adorable picture that Hillary took of our sweet Colt.

Overwhelmed.

I announced in my last blog that we are adopting a child from Haiti. The past 9 days have been such a whirlwind of activity. We have started our t-shirt sale and my goal was 100 shirts. We are currently sitting at 109 shirts in 6 days! My new goal is 145 because we get a price break at 145, meaning more money per shirt for our fundraiser. I know we will make it.

My dear friend, Hillary, is an incredible photographer. She is donating two whole days of photo sessions, her precious time to take and edit the photos, and the money she should rightfully keep for herself, and she is donating all of that to our adoption fund. She already has half of the slots filled. Every time I try to tell her how thankful I am, I just can't form the words. There are not enough words.

We have also gotten monetary donations from friends and strangers. Our adoption will cost us between  $35,000 and $40,000 and y'all, that number is DAUNTING. I get overwhelmed by that number.

Then I look at what we have received thus far. The amount of shirts. The checks. The cash placed in my hand. The giving of talents and time. The sharing of my many, many posts every day. Begging your friends to support us. Your prayers sent up for us. The encouraging people (mostly strangers!) that are placed in my path. When I think of those things, I have no fear. I know God is faithful. He called us to it, He will bring us through it. I am just overcome with emotion. Gratefulness. Love. Joy. Healing. Humility.

I am humbled. Thank you. ♡

Our Future as a Family.

It has been a few months since I last posted. Almost four months. That was the month we lost our baby girl, Collins. It's been four months of grieving and healing, too. It's hard to see my "pregnancy buddies" being so close to giving birth, but I am excited for them still. If anything, I have come closer to God in the last few months and I am thankful for that.

 A couple of months ago, I had coffee (and two and half hours of conversation!) with a former teacher-turned-friend. We talked about many things, but one topic stuck with me. The topic of Collins and her purpose here in this world - on this side of Heaven. This friend urged me to know that Collins' life did indeed have purpose, just like mine and yours too. I have pondered on that and prayed on that for a while now. Jump forward a few weeks and many prayers and we are in Sunday school, where Ryan is teaching. He was talking about questioning God and how he struggled with asking God why He took our baby girl from us. After class was over, we went on into church where we had a guest speaker. He was speaking about his calling to open an orphanage in Uganda, where the orphan rate is unbelievably high. In that moment I knew what Collins' purpose was.

After church, Ryan asked me if I would ever consider adoption. HA! I had always wanted to adopt - ever since my mission trips to Jamaica back in high school and college. I told him that I had always wanted to, but I never imagined he would be willing to do so. We talked a lot about it and prayed a lot more.

I know that Collins' purpose in this life was to show me and Ryan that we could indeed love another child as much as we love Colt. I know that she was sent to us to open our hearts and our minds. Also to stir up love and the desire to love another child. I don't believe her purpose was to ever be here on Earth, her job was completed before she ever opened her eyes in this world and she will complete her life in Heaven, free of hurt and pain, praising Jesus until we get there.

Doors were closed, others were opened, and one day just recently we were SHOVED through a door.

So I write this to tell you all that Ryan, Colt, and I are adopting. We have been lead to adopt an orphan from Haiti and we are terrified and excited too. We still have a long road, as it's a very long process and a very expensive process. We have lots to do and I ask that you pray with us and for us and our future child. There will be lots of fundraising and I pray that you would help us with that too. Adoption is unfairly expensive. However, we know that this is God's plan for us and He will make a way.

Thanks for reading!

Soldier

This song is so appropriate. Thanks, Gavin Degraw.

"Where did all the people go?
They got scared when the lights went low.
I'll get you through it nice and slow,
When the world's spinning out of control.

Afraid of what they might lose
Might get scraped or they might get bruised.
You could beg them, what's the use?
That's why it's called a moment of truth

I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you don't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.

I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier.

Funny when times get hard,
At the last moment when you're supposed to charge,
Always on the longest yard,
Oh, they feel their feet getting cold.

Hiding here, hiding there,
Find them underneath the stairs,
People hiding everywhere,
Trying to be still like a stone.

I'll get it if you need it,
I'll search if you can't see it,
You're thirsty, I'll be rain,
You get hurt, I'll take your pain.

I know you don't believe it,
But I said it and I still mean it,
When you heard what I told you,
When you get worried I'll be your soldier."

I just wanted to tell you all that we are doing okay. It still hurts. I still hurt physically. The physical healing is harder than I was imagining. I am really struggling with anxiety and I feel the beginnings of PPD. I really struggled with this after Colt, but found little help. I refuse to get by on my own this time, but I also have a new doctor this time. We cry, but we can talk about Collins now without crying every time. Colt talks about her a lot. He wakes up crying in the night some and when I ask him what is wrong, he just says he is sad. I don't know if he's dreaming about her or what, he won't say. He is so very sensitive, I know it's going to take a long time for him.

This song I posted above fits so perfectly for this time in our lives. Our loved ones are incredible. Last night a precious friend gave me this beautiful necklace, cooked dinner for us and entertained us, then sent us home with homemade pumpkin bread.

When we got home, there was a huge box of homemade cookies and a sweet note on our porch. Every day there are cards in the mail. Every day there is a text or a call from a friend, or a message on Facebook. A sweet friend looked up blogs on second trimester pregnancy loss to try to understand how I was feeling. So thoughtful. We appreciate these things more than we can say. Thank you.

Empty.

My last blog post, I shared some happy news - we were pregnant with a baby girl named Collins. Today, I have to say that our sweet Collins is going to live out her days in Heaven.

One week ago, I went in for a regular checkup. I was in my second trimester and wasn't worried about a thing. While doing the usual Doppler check of the heartbeat, my whole world crashed around me. Baby Collins' heartbeat stopped. I heard her very last heartbeat. The nurse tried to assure me she was "just squirmy" and we were just losing the heartbeat with the Doppler. My doctor came in and tried to find it, but it wasn't there. Two ultrasounds later, it was still not there. I had literally listened as my baby girl's heart beat for the last time. I cannot even explain the feelings that caused.

Here we are, a week later. Ryan, Colt, and I are at the beach for Colt's fall break. Our first vacation alone ever. Funny how that worked out - this was not our original destination  (Disney) or our originally planned week. It just happened to fall right after the worst week of my life. I am trying to enjoy myself - and I am, in spurts - but it is hard.

I have all of the typical postpartum feelings, and then some. I have your typical post-baby body, but no baby to show for it. I hurt physically and emotionally. Ryan hurts. Colt hurts. Colt is angry and aggressive, particularly with me. I failed him. He doesn't understand that I didn't choose this.

People can't warn you for what you feel after you lose your baby. Everyone feels it differently. No one wants to talk about it. No one wants to admit to the self-loathing that you feel. The anger. The grief. The complete sadness. The exhaustion. The never-ending tears. The guilt. The guilt you feel when you find yourself smiling, because you will. Then you will hate yourself for it.

I am trying not to feel guilty. I am crying, a lot. I am angry and short-tempered, and emotional. I am mad at people who weren't there for me, but trying to understand they probably have no idea what to say. I am also infinitely grateful for those that were there. The ones that sat at my table or on my couch and let me cry. The ones that were there (even before me) when I showed up at the hospital to have surgery, the ones there when I came back - empty. The ones that took Colt to school, home from school, fed him and played with him when I couldn't even do it for myself. The ones that brought food, flowers, toys for Colt. People will show up  when you need them.

Anyway. I am sharing this because no one ever does. It happens a lot more than we want to think. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Here is my feeble attempt to shed some light on it. It hurts. Ask for help. I am. I need help. I need support. And that's okay.

I'm Back!!

I have been itching to update my blog lately and when I finally pulled it up to get started, I realized that I haven't posted since March! It is now October! I am so far behind! If I updated everything, this would be a REALLY long post, so I will try to keep it to the basics.

Colt finished up at Siskin and we miss it a lot. However, he started Pre-K in August! He loves it most days, but we are struggling with his behavior. He is in a "typical" classroom of 23 kids. That's a HUGE difference from Siskin so I expected some adjustment time. We are almost two months in now and it is still a problem. We'll hopefully get things under control soon. They have called in a behavior specialist to help come up with a behavior plan to see if things will change. Here's hoping.

Around the same time Colt started school, we found out we were pregnant. Colt was less than thrilled, but he seems to be coming around. When we found out the baby is a girl, he got more excited. I think it will be a huge adjustment (of course!) but I think Colt will be a fantastic big brother.

Some other things have changed for Colt, too. Some time this summer, Colt had his third MRI to check his brain damage. The MRI showed the damage had cleared up - seemingly on it's own. Everyone seemed so thrilled! I didn't share on the blog because, to be honest, I was very frustrated by that. Let me TRY to explain. For 4 1/2 years, Colt has been different than the other kids. He has "significant developmental delay", nystagmus, strabismus, amblyopia, he didn't talk until he was well over 3, he has hypotonia, he has macrocephaly, he has right-side body weakness (stroke-like symptoms), and he gets speech, physical therapy, and occupational therapy every week. He has some severe sensory issues and is being evaluated for high-functioning autism. When we knew that he had this brain damage, it EXPLAINED these symptoms and their connection to one another. Now, the MRI is clear and yet, he still has all of these symptoms. So if the brain damage didn't cause these things, WHAT DID?!?

I have struggled with this for months, but you know what? I think it's justified. As of the past few weeks, we have noticed another thing. Colt is having what we (and his neurologist) believe are mini-seizures, also called absence seizures. They look a lot like daydreaming but for about 20 seconds, he is totally unresponsive. When it's over, he looks pretty confused for a few seconds, then carries on with what he was doing when it started. We started to really get worried last week when it happened in the middle of a restaurant during dinner. It happened again the next morning when I was trying to get him out of the car at school. Ryan and I decided it was time to call the neurologist. We called him and left a message with his nurse on Wednesday. We didn't hear anything until Friday evening when the nurse called and said our neurologist wanted Colt in his office at 8 Monday morning. Yesterday was the day. The doctor thinks they are definitely mini-seizures, but we have to confirm them with an EEG that is scheduled for November 9. It will be at the hospital and last about an hour. If the seizures don't show up there, we will have a 48 hour "take home" EEG after that. The neurologist says that if they are to the point of interrupting his dinner, he would be confident enough to go ahead and put him on medication now, but the EEG will help us know exactly what is going on.

He talked to us for a long time. He feels like we are not to the bottom of the Great Colt Mystery yet. He says the MRI wasn't a huge success because every single day, an MRI will look different. Seems kind of pointless to keep doing them to me, then. Anyway, he says he still believes there is an underlying problem that we haven't found yet. He says that the older Colt gets, it manifests in a different "symptom" and maybe as he gets older, we will have enough pieces of the puzzle to figure it out. He says it could be genetic or it could be a brain structure issue. This is why I am frustrated - the second MRI did show a brain issue and we thought we had our cause, now it's gone and the symptoms remain - and keep coming.

So, I have been struggling lately. I just want to know what is going on with my boy. I want to understand. I hate all the doctors, I hate all the testing, I hate the constant "study" of him and the evaluations and the questions and the stares when he melts down in public, but I want to understand him. I want him to have someone (two, with Ryan) that "get it" and that can support him. I want him to know we don't think he's weird, that's he's special and fantastic the way he is. It all sucks, but the evaluations help him get the services that he needs to have a successful life. So that's where we stand now.

Also, knowing it could be genetic scares me for our baby girl. Sure, it isn't anything horrible and it could be so much worse, but it has been a long road for Colt. It's a lot of doctors, a lot of tests, a lot of surgeries, a lot of therapies, a lot of evaluations, and some days are just too much. I don't want her to have to go through it, too.

By the way, her name is Collins Everly and she is due April 6, 2016.