Where We Are Today.

I am currently sitting in Panera, in the most obscure corner I can find. I was so excited to have a few moments to myself (thanks to my mother-in-law and brother-in-law, Adam) and now I sit here missing the busy-ness that Colt brings. The past few weeks have been long and hard. It is officially summer in our business and Ryan works every single day, often late into the evenings or night. I know it comes with the territory, but it is still hard. Colt cries for his daddy and I know Ryan desperately misses Colt too. It's at times like these I feel like a single parent. (You guys are amazing, by the way.) Whew, I am tired. It is hard for me to NOT feel guilty about not doing anything for a bit, but I keep trying to tell myself I deserve it. We all do. 

I have been wanting to post about Colt and update on all of his little victories and setbacks too, but I am not sure I am up to that from my smartphone. ;) 

I can say this, he can be very difficult but that little boy is pure magic. He laughs constantly, he smiles at everyone, he introduces himself and shakes hands, he says "yes, ma'am" "no, thank you" etc. without prompting, he loves his mommy, daddy, grandparents, and family with no limits, and he sings, HE SINGS!! The kid that may never talk, now SINGS. He loves music, loves sports, loves being outside, and loves to swing.  His personality is starting to show and he has gotten to be very funny.  I think that because he doesn't have to think quite as hard when he is talking, he is able to be more expressive in his words and tone.  His face has ALWAYS been very expressive, but to hear it in his voice is like hearing music for the first time.  He still stumbles over his words a lot, but that is getting better every day. 

Now, he still isn't potty-trained but we are still getting there. He does great everywhere but home. Maybe he gets comfortable or lazy there? He also behaves better in public than at home. We are often going somewhere for that reason.  Colt is having a hard time with a bit of a "bullying" situation at school, but I am hoping it has been taken care of. I will find out for sure, you better believe that.

We recently went to my allergy and asthma doctor to see why Colt gets bronchitis so often. He is sure Colt has asthma and wanted to run a test, but we aren't going to do it because our insurance sucks and it won't change anything. There isn't a way to prevent it from turning to bronchitis, so nothing will change, we just treat it.  I was pretty disappointed with that.  We pretty much knew it was asthma, I was just hoping we could find something to prevent it from turning into bronchitis so often.  

Other than that, things around our house are pretty much the same as always.   I will end this post with some of my most favorite pictures from the last few weeks or so. Sorry for the photo overload. :)

Mothers.

I apologize ahead of time if this blog gets a little personal but I feel compelled to write it anyway.  Maybe for me to go back and read later.  Maybe for someone else to relate.

This Sunday is Mother's Day.  I used to really struggle with this day, but the past few years, it has held a very different meaning for me.  This will be my fourth Mother's Day as a mother.  Wow.  I am a MOTHER.  That still blows my mind sometimes. 

Many of you know, my parents divorced when I was a baby.  Maybe around a year old or so?  honestly, I don't remember.  I don't remember my parents ever being together and the thought of them together makes me laugh.  My mom had a lot going on that we won't get into, but long story short, I stayed with my dad.  I cannot imagine it any other way.  For about five years, Dad was mom AND dad in a lot of ways. 

I experienced a lot of things growing up that I still struggle with, going back and forth between families.  I wouldn't wish some of those experiences and disappointments on anyone.  Ever.  Throughout my teenage years and college years, I always wanted children but really, secretly, doubted my ability to be a good parent.  How could I be a good mother when I didn't know what that meant?  My "growing up" years were hard. 

Fast forward a few years.  Ryan and I got married.  We wanted children but I was still secretly terrified.  Five months after we got married, we found out I was pregnant.  Oh my goodness.  No going back now!  Could I do this?!?  I didn't think so. 

Now, Colt is 3 1/2.  I am far, FAR from a perfect mother.  I am many times very impatient.  I lose my cool sooner than I would like to admit.  When Colt drops a big glob of ketchup down the front of his white shirt, I almost die.  (But really, who puts a white shirt on a 3 year old?)  My house is FAR from clean.  The laundry is piled up.  I nap when Colt naps, when I should be cleaning or catching up on laundry or making an amazing Pinterest craft from Colt's footprints.  I should shower, but instead, I nap.  Or read.  No one is going to see me today anyway, right?  I am NOT PERFECT. 

I didn't have a shining example of a mother, but with God's help, I am a darn good one despite that fact.  I never could have imagined crying over first words, first steps, and little, bitty victories.  I never could have imagined kissing bloody knees, or cutting someone else's toenails (I am disgusted by toenails), or catching someone else's vomit in my hands, or wiping their snot on my jeans or my shirt when I don't have a tissue, but I do it.  I do it because I have never in my life loved anything or anyone like I love that grinning, snotty, beautiful, tornadic little monster. 

I guess I say all of that to say this, YOU can break the cycle.  You may not feel like you are doing a good job, but if you love your babies as much as you possibly can, you are good enough.  And really, "good enough" is all they need.

Please know that my mom and I have a much different relationship now.  She has a story you wouldn't believe.  She is a strong woman and I love her.  Please don't ever think I don't.  We butt heads, but isn't that what mothers and daughters do?  Anyway, I just needed to write this out to encourage me when I needed to go back and hear it (every day) and maybe to encourage you. 

Your past is NOT your future.  Your past is not your child's future. 

 

 

Getting My Butt Kicked

Do you ever have those times in your life when you feel like just one more thing is going to make you lose your mind?  I am at that point, or pretty darn close.  It's a bunch of little things and a few not-so-little things, but they are piling up quickly and my burden is heavy. 

First of all, my windshield in my car is STILL busted, three months after it happened.  Not serious, but a couple hundred dollars to fix.  Also, my air conditioner in my car is broken.  A FEW hundred dollars to fix that.  It wasn't a big deal in the winter (haha) but it's getting hot.  On top of that, Colt has bronchitis (again) and when it's hot, he coughs to the point of puking.  I hate to make him ride in my hot car because it makes him cough.  Bah. 

Two days ago, we were outside in the yard and kept hearing a weird noise that sounded like someone was trying to start a car and it wasn't starting.  Turns out, it was the air conditioner in our house.  So now it's broken too.  It was 77 degrees in my house when I got up this morning.  Again, not good for the coughing/puking/bronchitisy mess.  Dad came over the night we discovered it and helped Ryan take apart the air conditioning unit.  They think it is just some kind of motor but who really knows.  Also, who knows when it will get fixed.  The motor has been taken out and has been sitting at the ice company waiting to be replaced since it happened.  For now, it's hot at home but it's supposed to cool off soon.  At least for a few days. 

AND THEN.  Sigh...  You know we have the house that will not sell, so we have two mortgages.  It's getting desperate around our house.  Apparently, State Farm will not insure a house that is vacant.  I had no idea.  We got a nice little note in the mail the other day with a (very small) check for our monthly homeowners insurance stating they were canceling our policy on the house that is for sale.  To insure a vacant house is OUTRAGEOUS. 

Our new insurance makes us pay out the rear to even go to the doctor.  The day we went to the eye doctor and got Colt's new glasses it was easily $350 out of our pocket.  To go to the doctor last week, it was $100 out of our pocket for them to tell me he had "the same cold that all of Chattanooga has" even though I knew it wasn't that.  Now (after he has suffered another week!) he's got bronchitis and I spent right under  $100 to get more medicine. 

I am absolutely frustrated and getting desperate.  I feel like I am being punished for something and I cannot figure out for the life of me what it could be.  Why does there never seem to be a break?  

I just needed to whine a bit.  Yes, it's all little things.  Yes, we are all healthy (for the most part) and doing alright.  We have a home and jobs and families and friends, but you know, sometimes life really kicks your butt.  If you are going to make snarky comments, please refrain.  I really might lose it on you. 

Struggling.

I do not know what has been going on with Colt lately, but I swear to you I think he's been possessed by some monster-like demon.  Or maybe he's just three years old.  He and I have absolutely butted heads for about a week or more now and I am finding myself very, VERY frustrated and tired.  He is testing every single thing I say and every single boundary I set.  Just Tuesday morning I told him 'no' about something and he said "I don't like that!" "You don't like what?" "I don't like when you say 'no!'"  Ah.  Well, get used to it, little buddy.  Is he just being three?

Also, let's talk about potty training.  ALL NON-PARENTS CONSIDER THIS A FAIR WARNING.  He has been doing great with potty training for the most part.  We still struggle to get him to tell us BEFORE he goes, but he will go every time you take him.  Sometimes he even makes it a whole day in the same Pull-Up!  Well, all of a sudden the past week or so (same time frame as the demon possession) he has absolutely stopped all progess in potty training and actually gone backwards, if you will.  Before, he was wearing "big boy undies" around the house and doing great, sometimes even telling us without us having to take him.  Now, a few times this week, he's just peed in them and left puddles on my rug.  I have NO IDEA what to do.  Did I miss the "perfect timing window?"  Did I do something wrong?  Did I not praise him enough when he did do it right?  I know by this point, most of his friends are potty trained or pretty doggone close.  However, Colt has NEVER been on the same timeline as anyone else, so I didn't really expect him to be for this either.  I just thought we would be closer at this point.  We've been actively working on it for a good 9 months or more.  What is the problem?  What have I done wrong? 

I have wondered about the school transition being hard on him.  His last day at the other location was a week ago today.  That was hard, also he's been in a new place this week, so that is probably hard.  On top of that, he's been sick for about 8-10 days.  He also got glasses 6 days ago.  Could it be that he's sick/overwhelmed AND I am pushing him too hard?  I have no idea.

Anyway,  we are STRUGGLING.  I have found myself in tears every single day for the past week over him.  I have yelled more than I would like to admit.  He knows I am frustrated and feeds off of it, it seems.  I am trying to just pray when I get mad or find myself at my wit's end.  I learned a long time ago, you never, EVER pray for patience.  Instead I pray this - Please God, help me know how to parent this beautiful gift you have entrusted to me because I sure don't know how to do it on my own.  So, if you get a second, pray for me.  If you have any ideas or advice, share with me.  I am officially desperate. 

Another Not-So-New Adventure!

This weekend was a busy one!  On Saturday, we drove to Rome to see my mom and that side of my family to celebrate Mom's birthday.  We ate at Olive Garden and then went to see my mom's new house.  She is moving from Villa Rica to Rome and we're excited that she will be closer.  While we were there, Colt got some quality playtime in with his great-grandfather.  The house Mom bought has a playset in the backyard and we caught Colt and Papa playing on it.  I got a really cute picture or two of Papa coming down the slide.  ;)

Here Colt is saying "I catch you, Papa!"  I love this!

Look at Papa's face!  Hahahaha!

 

 

Anyway, we had a great time.  Mom's birthday was actually Sunday and she shares it with my dad's sister, my aunt Diane.  We made it home from Rome in time to see her for a little bit at the farm.  Colt got to drive the tractor with my dad, so all was good in his world.  My dear friend and college roommate, Leah, came to visit this weekend too.  She got there Saturday evening, and left this morning.

I am always thankful to have her around, but yesterday I was especially thankful because she went to Colt's ophthalmologist appointment with us.  I knew I wouldn't be able to hold him down by myself, last time it took me and the nurse straddling him on the floor to get eye drops in his eyes!  This time was a good fight, but with me, Leah, and the nurse we didn't have to get in the floor.  Whew.  However, it did take two rounds of drops to get his eyes dilated.  Poor kid has really been through so much.  

The ophthalmologist appointment went pretty well, besides the fact that it was 2 1/2 hours long.  That was rough.  I had a few things to ask Dr. Peterson about and he patiently answered all my questions.  I have mentioned before that Colt does this strange head tilt thing when he's studying stuff up close, almost like he's looking OVER a pair of glasses that are not there.  He didn't do it for Dr. Peterson, but he did do it for the nurse when she handed him some pictures to study.  I was glad someone in the office saw it too.  He thinks this is from his Nystagmus.  His Nystagmus is very rarely visible anymore, but it never really goes away.  We only notice it when he's very tired or sick or has been crying.  He thinks Colt uses this head tilt kind of like a null point without it actually being his null point.  I wrote a bit about that after our last visit with Dr. Peterson here.  Anyway, he is indeed using it kind of like a null point, but he didn't seem concerned. 

I asked about Colt's eyes drifting sometimes, and he did see it happen, but he isn't at the point yet where we would consider another surgery.  He thinks the previous surgeries are going to stick. ;)   I asked about Colt's clumsiness.  I have been wondering if it's because of his less-than-stellar depth perception (common with his eye issues) or if he's just clumsy.  Dr. Peterson didn't really have an answer to that.  It could be associated with his eyes, but may not be.  If it is his depth perception, there isn't really anything you can do about it anyway, so I guess we just have lots of Band-Aids handy.  However, it could be because of his vision!  We always knew he was a bit far-sighted (meaning he sees far away better than up close, the opposite of me and Ryan!) but this time, Dr. Peterson could tell just how bad by looking into his eyes.  Colt also read an eye chart, but they use pictures instead of letters for small children.  The last time we were there, Colt signed the answers.  This time, he spoke them.  :)  Yes!  We have wondered about Colt's vision for a while.  He LOVES to put on my dad and stepmom's reading glasses, which are meant for far-sighted people to be able to read things up close.  You know the type.  He doesn't really do that with my or Ryan's glasses, but loves to do so with theirs.  Now I know it's because he can see with theirs and not ours!  His left and right eyes were quite a bit different in their prescription and that's kind of rare.  We ended up leaving with a prescription for glasses.  Again.  We immediately left and went to Pearle Vision to order glasses because sometimes they take a while to come in.  This will be Colt's third pair of glasses and the first two pairs were great, so we went with the same kind.  The second pair was really the same frames just different lenses because of his prescription changing very rapidly as a baby.  They are Miraflex brand and they are pretty much unbreakable.  Only a few places in Chattanooga have this type, so we went where we got them last time. Colt first got glasses at 8 months old and everywhere we went he got a lot of attention over them.  Maybe that's why he's such a ham these days.  ;)  The new glasses should be ready in about a week, but last time they came in much quicker.  I am anxious to see how it goes.  I got him to try on some other types of glasses, but he went back to these every time.  They are kind of "goggle-like" and have a strap on the back to keep them from falling off during play.  :)

Well, here's to another (sort of) new adventure!  I'll post some of my favorite pictures of Colt in his glasses below. 

Colt's very first day in glasses!

The Next Chapter.

We have finally made the decision about Colt's school.  We decided to accept the spot at the downtown location of Siskin.  I feel like it would be stupid NOT to take it.  Obviously something about that place works for Colt.  We don't know what exactly it is, but something works.  The class sizes?  The specific teachers (we adore them!)?  The structure?  The curriculum and routine?  The fact that they don't use fluorescent overhead lights?!?  I mean, heck, who knows.  I guess it doesn't really matter, it just works.  So, we are going to transfer downtown and pray it continues to work.  If it doesn't, we'll be heartbroken.  I wish, wish, wish his teachers were coming downtown too, but they are not.  I can't say I blame them.  However, we have Colt to think of and if it works, that's where we will go.  Even with the decision to close the East Brainerd location (which I STILL DO NOT UNDERSTAND), this is an amazing, magical place. 

So, our plan was to stay at the current location until they closed at the end of May.  Recently, we were told by the downtown director that there is a spot open in a class that will fit Colt.  However, there is only that one spot and if we don't take it and decide to stay until EB closes, we will have to wait until they get the new classrooms finished to start.  That same day, we got a letter from the Siskin President saying those classes won't be finished until August.  That would leave us with June and July without the structure and routine Siskin provides for Colt.  Each time I drop Colt off lately, his class is smaller than the last time I left him.  My fear was that with the more and more kids that transfer to other places with the impending close, they will close sooner than May 30th.  With a very heavy heart, Ryan and I decided it was time to move him before we were left with nowhere to go until August. 

Next week is Colt's last week at Siskin's East Brainerd location.  In only 4 short months, that place has changed our lives.  They have provided structure, routine, and stability to my son.  They have provided teachers that love him more than I could have imagined.  They have provided smiling faces and hugs at the front desk each time we have entered those doors.  They provided me with reassurance when I left in tears on his first day.  They patiently answered my check-in calls when he went through some uncharacteristically rough mornings and clung to my legs.  They provided communication through a teacher fluent in sign language when my son of few words couldn't speak but could sign to communicate.  They provided my nearly word-less boy with complete spoken sentences in four very short months.  They taught him to sing his ABCs and to play musical chairs.  Most importantly to me, they provided my son with CONFIDENCE.

I am sorry to see this chapter of our lives end.  I pray the next chapter at the downtown location will be just as magical. 

An Answer to Our Prayers.

I think I have set a new record for me - I haven't blogged in over a month!  I know, I am surprised too.  ;) 

The main thing to catch up on is the state of Colt's school.  We got the devastating news last Monday that they would be closing Siskin's East Brainerd center.  I can tell you that there has been very little sleep happening in the Doolittle household over the past week and a half.  There have been many tears shed on my part.  I am sure the other 115 children and their parents are feeling the same heartbreak we are.  Unless you have been there, worked there, or had a child there, I don't think I can make you understand the magic of this place.  The politics behind it are a little questionable and I am not going to get into that on here.  They did tell us that they are going to expand and make room for a few children at the downtown location of Siskin.  The president told us they have enough room to expand and make MAYBE three more classrooms, allowing room for 36 of the 116 children at the most.  I was devastated.  I just knew that Colt would not be granted a spot.  There are other children that need Siskin and their services more, I know this.  However, I also know that not just anywhere will work for Colt.  I don't mean that in a snotty way, I mean that in an I-know-my-son-can-be-difficult-and-sometimes-needs-more-help-than-others kind of way.  My fear is that he will again "fall through the cracks," if you will. 

Tuesday of this week, after I had (kind of) accepted that there is nothing we can do to reverse their decision to close, I began calling, calling, calling every single place I could think of to find another place for Colt.  I had narrowed it down to 5 places that Ryan and I could tour and see what would be the best fit.  There are some amazing places in this town, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that nothing will be Siskin.  I was calling out to God for Him to show us the right place to send our son.  I was being offered many prayers from friends for guidance and answers too.  Thank you all for that.

Well, yesterday morning my phone rang.  It was the director of the Siskin in East Brainerd.  She said that COLT WAS BEING OFFERED A SPOT AT SISKIN DOWNTOWN.  What?!?!?  I never, ever would have seen that coming.  I feel like we have been handed a precious gift and I wanted to shout it from the rooftops.  Ha.  Silly, I know.  I called the downtown location and spoke with the director there.  She was very helpful.  I was afraid they would only hold the spot for a short amount of time because there is a waiting list a mile long.  People put their babies on the list BEFORE THEY ARE BORN.  Crazy, isn't it?  And we are being offered a spot NOW.  We do want to tour a few places so we know we are making the right decision, including that location.  Anyway, the director told me that she would hold Colt's spot as long as we needed and that they will hold it until Siskin East Brainerd's very last day if Colt wanted to stay until his school closed.  I love that so much.  I love that he can stay with his precious teachers, his precious friends, and that we can take all the time we need making our decision.  What a precious gift. 

Anyway, our prayers have been heard and answered.  We now have options - a few amazing places to check out and now we even have TIME to make the right decision.  I truly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. 

Thank you, God.  Thank you, praying friends.