Thankful for the Challenge.

"God loves a lullaby
In a mother's tears in the dead of night
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

God loves the drunkard's cry
The soldier's plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful, the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
Are better than a Hallelujah..."

Someone sang this at church on Sunday and it got to me.  Oh boy.  I was crying after the first two lines, probably because I know it is true.  Sometimes I just don't know what to say to God and I just cry, but He hears it and it never fails, I always feel better afterwards.  My tears never go unnoticed.  He sees every single one. 

About a week ago, before our neurologist visit, I was wide awake in the middle of the night so anxious I couldn't sleep.  I finally began to pray for Colt and that the doctor would give us some answers and some good news, and as I sat there in silence, I did get an answer of sorts.  Most importantly, I got peace. 

I had a sort of epiphany, if you will.  Bear with me, I will try to explain.  As a child, I was always very smart.  I was in the gifted classes, always tested very high on the IQ tests and all of that.  I knew I was smart, but I wasn't often challenged and I got lazy.  Please don't take this in an obnoxious way. :)  Anyway, because I wasn't challenged, I didn't have to try very hard to make good grades and I settled for good enough, not the best.  Now, as an adult, I regret that.  Fast forward 20+ years to Colt. 

Colt is brilliant.  I know this.  He is also facing some HUGE challenges.  He is different.  He will have a hard time.  He will struggle.  That night, lying in the bed, I was suddenly thankful that Colt will struggle a bit.  He will be challenged.  Think about it.  The coolest, most inspiring, most successful people in the world have often overcome some serious struggles.  If you have to fight for what you get, you are more grateful, right?  I am clinging to the hope that Colt takes these challenges and runs at them head-on, as hard as he can go.  He can overcome this, I know.  I believe in him.  Ryan believes in him.  Our families believe in him and many of you believe in him.  Most importantly, God believes in him.  "And if our God is for us, then who could ever stop us?" 

So, for now, we are going to take the sign language thing and run with it.  We will continue speech therapy and continue to try to get him to talk, but I want him to really learn the sign language.  It can't hurt him to learn something new.  Learning it will only enrich his life later, while helping him to communicate now.  I am hopeful he won't always need it, but if he learns it now, he'll most likely carry that knowledge into adulthood.  Who knows where that could lead. 

I also want to take a second to say "Thank you!" to all of you that have been praying for us and for our precious boy.  Last week, I was overcome with anxiety over Colt's future, but now I am feeling peace.  Thank you for prayers, encouragement, hugs, and tears you have shared.  We feel them. 

I had so much to blog about today, but I think I am going to stop and leave you with some pictures from our weekend.  I hope you enjoy them. 

Colt helped dig up the flower (weed) bed, while singing. ;)

Our little house with new shrubs.

Handsome boy. :)

We made Play-Doh cookies

And we fingerpainted! 

Thank you, God, for this reminder that you are in control.  NOT ME.

Trust.

We just got home from the neurologist's office. It was a long afternoon. Dr. Miller didn't really tell us anything that he hasn't already told us. We still have a long way to go.
Dr. Miller didn't talk much about Colt's lack of speech and what we can expect because he is much more concerned about a bigger problem, one that may be hindering Colt's ability to speak and who knows what else. As desperately as I want to hear Colt speak, I can live with no words if he is otherwise healthy.
Dr. Miller said there are two "boats" Colt could be in. The first boat is that this situation is as bad as it will get and from here, we learn to deal with the hand Colt has been dealt. The second boat is that this could get worse...that this could be a degenerative disease of some sort. The problem is that, right now, Dr. Miller does not know what boat Colt is in. I am going to be completely honest when I say that scares the mess out of me. I want that first boat with a passion.
The doctor said Colt has it hard in the fact that what is wrong is not terribly obvious. That sounds weird, but if there is an obvious part of his brain that is messed up or even missing, you pretty much know what will happen. When it isn't as obvious in the damage department, it makes it much harder to figure out exactly what is wrong, what it will affect, and that makes it harder on Colt because he has to go through a lot more testing to figure it out. All we can do now is trust God and trust doctors. I am probably the least trusting person ever. I am guarded and skeptical. This will be a challenge.
Our poor boy...Nystagmus, strabismus, 8 ear infections, asthma, bronchitis, sinus infections, allergy testing, orthopedists, two MRIs being put to sleep, ear tubes, three eye surgeries, seeing specialists two plane rides away, more doctor visits than I could ever count, and now add in a neurologist... He has been through so much in less than two years, yet he is such a delightful, happy, beautiful, brilliant, sweet child. I am supposed to be teaching him about life, but instead, he's teaching me. And trusting me.  I am in awe of him. I truly am.