So we are somewhere over the Arctic Ocean on our way to China. We are 5 hours into a 13 hour journey to meet our newest son, Miles Chen Da.

And I am in full-on meltdown mode. Straight up PANIC, y'all.

I am exhausted, physically and emotionally and the tears just need to come out.

Let me set this up - Colt is flipping through the Delta magazine and mentions a Domino's ad - his favorite pizza. The reality of this situation hit me like a ton of bricks. Our little life - just the three of us - will never be the same. I suddenly want to be at home, eating pizza without a worry in the world. Y'all, it feels like regret.

I can't believe I just admitted that. So I do the only thing that I know to do. I pray.

"God. Come quickly. Meet me here in this ugly place. I know you called me to this - now you gotta get me through it."

I already miss my comfort zone and I have two more weeks (plus forever) of this. So anyway, as I am praying/begging God for help, I remember that my dear friend and fellow adoptive mama gave me a card and a gift for this very moment.

I dig it out of my carry-on and open the card first. The threatening tears burst out like a dam broke loose. Inside she had written exactly what I needed to hear. God knew.

After I cried all the tears (for that moment anyway), I got a good giggle over a funny book about doing hard things.

At this point, Colt has dug into some Dove chocolates. Inside the very first wrapper it says this, "Home is where Mom is."

Miles doesn't have a home because Miles doesn't have a Mom. In less than 3 days, that changes forever. That is exciting, yes. It is also terrifying and I would be lying if I said that I wasn't nervous or just flat out scared.

The last 2 1/2 years have been so long and like a pipe dream, but here it is. It's time for it to become reality and that is HARD and SCARY and EMOTIONAL and BEAUTIFUL.

Please pray for our family, especially Miles and Colt. Colt has not wavered for a second during all of this. He is ready and excited and fine. I pray he stays that way but I just don't know. Miles is about to get his world rocked. It will be terrifying for him.

I want to be honest so that people can know exactly how to pray for us. I need courage, strength, and wisdom and I need it now.

I feel better already.

Today, I am thankful for a God that hears my prayers and helps me do hard things. I am also thankful for friends that have gone before me and that help to carry me when I freeze up.

Dear Younger Me

I have felt the need to share this for a while but just haven't gotten around to writing it. Bear with me.

As a child, I "got saved" at a VBS. I was baptized but honestly I know in my heart that I had no idea what I was doing. It didn't occur to me until I was older that I probably wasn't really a Christian. Around the age of 13 or 14 (sad I don't remember) I realized that I genuinely wanted to be a Christian and that I needed to properly ask the Lord to change my heart.

I was a good kid in high school. I stayed out of trouble and generally did what I was supposed to do. College was a different story. I did a lot of things that I am not proud of to this day. Finally, I grew up, got married, and changed my ways. Mostly.

Now, I believe all of this time that I genuinely was a Christian - I just lost my way a bit.

In 2015, I got pregnant with Collins after genuinely thinking that Colt was going to have to be an only child. Then we lost her that October. I can honestly say that the next year was the hardest time of my life. I was so angry. Anxiety wrecked my life. I was devastated by someone I depended on and literally hated anything and everything. I was miserable and miserable to be around.

During this time, I was invited to be in a women's discipleship group. I flat out DID NOT WANT TO DO IT. I don't trust other women very easily. Other than family, I can count about 4 that I trust. I came up with excuse after excuse, but finally gave in and agreed.

This discipleship group required lots of Bible reading and lots of journaling and was going to span over the course of a year. Somewhere along month three, I started feeling the walls come down. God began to speak to me through His Word. During this time, our adoption began to move forward and we decided to travel to Uganda as a family.

Most of you know, Uganda ROCKED MY WORLD. It shattered my HEART, but it restored my soul. It gave me purpose to my life. I felt God in a way I never had before. I wanted to make Him proud, to share Him, to give hope to others too.

I know without a doubt that God took my brokenness and mended it all back together in a much better way. He made beauty from ashes.

I am not perfect. I struggle more than I care to admit. I struggle with depression, anxiety, and never feeling like I am enough. I am not skinny enough, pretty enough, kind enough, patient enough. I am not a great friend. I am selfish. I am angry at the past. Gosh, I am a mess.

But I have been redeemed.
I am chosen by the Creator of the Universe.
I am a daughter of the One True King.

I have placed my past, my failures, my resentment at the foot of the cross. It is not mine to carry. That battle has already been won. And that feels GOOD.

This song gets me every time.  Read these words. Take them to heart. ❤

"Dear younger me
It’s not your fault
You were never meant to carry this beyond the cross
Dear younger me

You are holy
You are righteous
You are one of the redeemed
Set apart a brand new heart
You are free indeed

Every mountain every valley
Through each heartache you will see
Every moment brings you closer
To who you were meant to be
Dear younger me, dear younger me"
-MercyMe

Bare.

I haven't blogged in a long time. This one probably won't be much to read but it's more for me anyway.

Most of you know, I had to have a psychological evaluation done by a psychologist for our adoption. However, no one knows that I have continued to see him on my own. A few of you know some of the parts of my childhood story, but there was so much hurt growing up. I saw and lived more than any child should (though I know there are much worse stories) but it isn't something I share with others. I have finally started to deal with it with this psychologist. I hate it. It's hard. It's necessary.

Especially if I am going to be parenting a child of trauma. I need to deal with mine so I can help him deal with his. So I am on this awful but crucial journey. While seeing this psychologist, we have decided it best to change my depression and anxiety medicine. I have taken Lexapro off and on for years, but this time I have been on a high dose for 2 1/2 years. I have gained 60 pounds in those 2 1/2 years. I sleep 12+ hours a night and nap 2-3 hours a day. It was debilitating. I couldn't lose weight, even when I desperately tried and I barely had enough energy to get ready every morning. I have had enough.

So my psychologist sent me to a doctor to help me safely switch my medication to a better fit for me. The last two weeks I have weaned off of my Lexapro and started Wellbutrin XL. The last 4 days have been a living hell. My anxiety is totally uncontrolled, my blood pressure is sky high (though better when I took it today), and the slightest thing makes me RAGING mad.

Last night I stopped to fill my car up with gas. Every 5-6 seconds, the gas pump would shut off even though I was holding the handle in my hand. I lost my mind over it and had to leave. I knew it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't see straight it made me si angry. I had been at dinner with friends before this and literally could not wait to go home, even though these are friends I adore. Same with family today.

Have you ever had TRUE anxiety? I am not talking about nervousness or worrying about something out of your control. I am talking about debilitating, life-altering anxiety. When it hits me, I start to tremble. It gets hard to breathe. It feels like I am underwater trying to suck oxygen from a balloon that is quickly running out of air and I have to fight to get more in my lungs before there is no more - I am drowning and each breath is a struggle. I cry, sometimes hysterically. Sometimes I throw up.

It had been much more controlled but this switch has caused it to come back in epic proportions.

I spoke to a dear friend on Wednesday during the beginning of an anxiety attack. She gets it - she has been there. She told me that I cannot hide away, like she did. I need to be honest, up front, and share with others to try to help people understand me.

So here I am, putting my faults out there for everyone to judge. Most of you know me and you know I am pretty open about most things, but I can tell you that attempting to work through childhood traumas, changing meds, and the stress of adopting a child who will need a strong Mama are taking a serious toll on me and it is HARD to share it.

So just know that if I am short with you, don't want to go out, or don't talk much, it isn't personal. I am not angry with you. I am just in a deep dark hole right now and hopefully I can be back soon. I can't sleep, I am obsessively cleaning things, I am angry and irritable, and I can't even nap. It honestly makes me feel like I might explode.

I would appreciate your prayers and your patience. I promise we can be friends again soon.