The House of Doo

The House of Doo

Saturday, June 2, 2018

Bare.

I haven't blogged in a long time. This one probably won't be much to read but it's more for me anyway.

Most of you know, I had to have a psychological evaluation done by a psychologist for our adoption. However, no one knows that I have continued to see him on my own. A few of you know some of the parts of my childhood story, but there was so much hurt growing up. I saw and lived more than any child should (though I know there are much worse stories) but it isn't something I share with others. I have finally started to deal with it with this psychologist. I hate it. It's hard. It's necessary.

Especially if I am going to be parenting a child of trauma. I need to deal with mine so I can help him deal with his. So I am on this awful but crucial journey. While seeing this psychologist, we have decided it best to change my depression and anxiety medicine. I have taken Lexapro off and on for years, but this time I have been on a high dose for 2 1/2 years. I have gained 60 pounds in those 2 1/2 years. I sleep 12+ hours a night and nap 2-3 hours a day. It was debilitating. I couldn't lose weight, even when I desperately tried and I barely had enough energy to get ready every morning. I have had enough.

So my psychologist sent me to a doctor to help me safely switch my medication to a better fit for me. The last two weeks I have weaned off of my Lexapro and started Wellbutrin XL. The last 4 days have been a living hell. My anxiety is totally uncontrolled, my blood pressure is sky high (though better when I took it today), and the slightest thing makes me RAGING mad.

Last night I stopped to fill my car up with gas. Every 5-6 seconds, the gas pump would shut off even though I was holding the handle in my hand. I lost my mind over it and had to leave. I knew it wasn't a big deal but I couldn't see straight it made me si angry. I had been at dinner with friends before this and literally could not wait to go home, even though these are friends I adore. Same with family today.

Have you ever had TRUE anxiety? I am not talking about nervousness or worrying about something out of your control. I am talking about debilitating, life-altering anxiety. When it hits me, I start to tremble. It gets hard to breathe. It feels like I am underwater trying to suck oxygen from a balloon that is quickly running out of air and I have to fight to get more in my lungs before there is no more - I am drowning and each breath is a struggle. I cry, sometimes hysterically. Sometimes I throw up.

It had been much more controlled but this switch has caused it to come back in epic proportions.

I spoke to a dear friend on Wednesday during the beginning of an anxiety attack. She gets it - she has been there. She told me that I cannot hide away, like she did. I need to be honest, up front, and share with others to try to help people understand me.

So here I am, putting my faults out there for everyone to judge. Most of you know me and you know I am pretty open about most things, but I can tell you that attempting to work through childhood traumas, changing meds, and the stress of adopting a child who will need a strong Mama are taking a serious toll on me and it is HARD to share it.

So just know that if I am short with you, don't want to go out, or don't talk much, it isn't personal. I am not angry with you. I am just in a deep dark hole right now and hopefully I can be back soon. I can't sleep, I am obsessively cleaning things, I am angry and irritable, and I can't even nap. It honestly makes me feel like I might explode.

I would appreciate your prayers and your patience. I promise we can be friends again soon.