This time last year, I had a few people say they couldn't wait to read my blog about our time in China. I couldn't wait to write it - until I lived China. It may sound dramatic but I know without a doubt that I have PTSD from our time there. First of all, I was in the process of changing my anxiety meds and it just so happened that I wasn't on any meds during our time in China. That was a HORRIBLE mistake. I literally couldn't function. I cried all day every day and night. I wasn't sleeping or eating.
We arrived in China on a Saturday after about 30 hours of travel (and no sleep for me) and didn't meet Miles until Monday afternoon. My anxiety would have been high even with meds but I was a blubbering mess by Monday. There's supposed to be somewhat of a "show" when presenting you with your new child. You wait in a room while they bring them in and introduce them to you. We didn't get that as there was a mix-up at the Civil Affairs office.
We saw Miles walking down the sidewalk with a nanny from his orphanage. She practically threw him at us in the lobby. He was covered in his own vomit and wearing a diaper. We were told his special need was Strabismus (crossed eyes). He very obviously had Cerebral Palsy. You sign some papers and they send you on your way.
This is where everything gets blurry. These days were awful. Miles bit, kicked, screamed, slapped, and had very obvious seizures. He self-harmed. He bit Colt and made him bleed. He was mean and angry and so was I. I shut down.
I called my dad, bawling, every day and told him that I could not do it. I wasn't prepared for these kinds of needs. I called my mom too, but she told me what I wanted to hear and my dad told me what I needed to hear. I wanted them to say I could just come home and I didn't have to do this. My dad wouldn't say that. He assured me that God lead us to Miles for a reason and that we could do this. Ryan never wavered - we were doing it.
I just wanted out. I grieved for weeeeeeeks over the life we had before Miles. It wasn't an easy, perfect life - I mean, Colt has Autism and some other issues. These things are hard. However, this was a whole new level of HARD and UNCOMFORTABLE and OUT.OF.MY.COMFORT.ZONE.
Anyway, China was the longest two weeks of my life. Somehow, by the grace of God, we survived. I survived. However, as we come up on the one year anniversary, these feelings are slipping back into my heart. I am anxious and tired and literally sick. I am absolutely dreading seeing these Facebook Memories and feeling these feelings again.
At the same time, looking at Miles now - I can't imagine not going through with his adoption. He is the most challenging child I have ever encountered, but he's so deserving of love and a family and doctors and help. I am so thankful God chose us to be His hands and feet for Miles, and so thankful that He didn't let anyone talk us out of it.
Sometimes I still feel a bit sad over the life we had before - where things just weren't so hard, especially for Colt. Then I see Colt and Miles together giggling over a video, or see Colt protectively crying over something Miles has to endure at the hospital, or hear Miles say, "I love you, GuhGuh (big brother)," and I just can't help but weep over what we could have missed, what we could have stolen from Colt.
I know this is all messy and probably not very well written but it's been on my heart. God never says that things will be easy. He just promises that we will never walk alone and I can honestly say that I have felt Him nearer through this year than I ever have before. You just have to be willing to say 'Yes!' when you don't think you are strong enough. God will enable you. He will give you what you need for the journey on which He places you.
