Nothing major has really changed since my last blog post, but I have found myself in an ugly, discouraged state. I am struggling. Part of it is Colt - he is an incredible gift but he is exhausting and difficult at times. Part of it is just me.
What I am struggling with most is just being a mom. It's hard. Especially when something is wrong or different about your little one and there's just nothing you can do to help. It's been mentioned to us by a few different people (teachers, the school psychologist, physical therapists) that he appears to be ADHD. I have no doubt about this, but he's also 3 years old. (4 next week) I do see it, though. Every day I see it. At nap time and bed time these days especially. He just absolutely cannot shut his brain down. It's exhausting. Have I mentioned that? Someone else (not just a regular Joe, this person is legit) mentioned they believed he had Asperger's. We've looked into this, but I don't think it's the case. There are some definite similarities, but some of the others, I think absolutely not. It's frustrating to hear this stuff and know that there is definitely still something going on (especially when you see him with his peers) but no one can seem to put their finger on it. He is "just Colt".
He is crazy smart. CRAZY smart. He can sight-read words that no one has ever sat down and "taught" him. He just remembers them - from books, street signs, commercials, and store signs. He can tell you directions to places because every time we turn, he wants to know the name of the road. This week in the car, he has been making me spell words. While on the phone with my mom, she asked me what we were getting him for his birthday and I spelled, "B-I-K-E" and Colt said, "A bike?!?" Dude. He shouldn't know that, right? When he wants you to talk, he'll ask you to talk about weird stuff that kids shouldn't find interesting, for example yesterday at lunch he said, "Tell me how we got to Myrtle Beach." So I said, "Well, we started on 75 south to Atlanta" and he said "Then we got on I-20 east to get to South Carolina!" Um, yes we did. Last month.
With all that being said, he still isn't even close to being potty-trained. I am beating myself up over it. I feel like I have done something wrong and missed our chance. He will go when you take him, but can't seem to stop what he is doing and go himself. We put him in undies because people say he won't like being wet. It doesn't phase him in the least and I wash a lot of clothes and couch cushions. I spent a ton of money on rewards for a reward box and sticker chart and he doesn't care. I downloaded a "potty app" but he would still go between our set times. I am absolutely at a loss. Colt is awfully big for his age (he wears size 6 clothes) and I can FEEL people judging me when his shirt comes up and they see he is wearing a Pull-Up. What do I do? :(
Maybe this has nothing to do with me, but it feels like a mommy failure. I just try to remind myself that he is truly his own person and doing his best.
I never imagined this amazing, talkative little boy would be the same boy that didn't speak until well after his third birthday. As we were leaving his speech therapy yesterday, I overheard the school principal telling someone, "That little boy is a miracle." and it brought big fat tears to my eyes. He is just that. A beautiful, brilliant, miracle baby. Those moments, those proud, long sought after moments are what help to slowly but surely drag me out of this ugly hole I get sucked into so easily.